2019, I’m waiting. Let’s you and I be friends

Credit: https://safire-rose.com/books-and-media/poetry/she-let-go

Read by John Siddique: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MBCfAbZZjqY

Time to pack up and shutdown shop for a while….

Christmas in India…. why not uh. Why not

I’m stepping back and looking at the calibration curve. It’s an analogy from my days working in the chemistry lab. See before you test any chemistry samples you need to make up a standard solution – actually…. not one but five. Five different but known concentrations of a particular standard solution. For example if it’s iron or magnesium that you testing for, you make up a 10ppm, 25ppm, 50ppm, 100ppm and 150ppm of iron or magnesium.

If your testing apparatus (the machine you’re using) gives you accurate results for these “known concentration” solutions then can be relatively sure that you can trust all the iron or magnesium results of the rest of the samples you’re about to test.

Now, it’s seldom that 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm etc will read exactly 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm because variations are a natural part of life. And, importantly if you look too closely at just one point in your curve, it’s more than likely upsetting, because you’ll only see how far that particular point is away from what it’s supposed to be! However, if you look at all five of them together, you will more than likely see a beautiful curve form right in front of you.

Looking back at my 2018 “curve”, I am not unsure of how I feel. I feel strong. I am very tired at the moment though, as a productive year draws to an end. So I took today off. Mostly spent it in bed and reflected. Although I’m tired I’m more sure of myself than what I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’m certain of the direction I am going in.

Admittedly I am scared because so much is unknown. But fear is not gonna stop me from moving forward. My heart beats strong and urges me on. Something up ahead beckons. I’m cloaked with a strong sense of purpose and an immense sense of gratitude floods over me when I compare the person I am today to the person who I was two years ago.

2017 was kind to me because it pulverized me, crushed me before it shred me to bits. Even my hair hurt. The golden gift it bestowed on me through this was, it forced me strip off every narrative I previously taken on and used – all the walls that I built over the years and identities I thought defined me. After crushing me however, it introduced me to the nicest person that I know. Me.

So as 2018 started, I felt naked. I was also aware that it wasn’t a brand new beginning. It was simply a ‘rebooted me’. It was who I am, before I became anything else. I was naked because for the first time in my life I was simply being who I am without a single shard of anything else to cover me or conceal my soul. I’ve always been pretty authentic but never so naked and vulnerable. Evolved and taking ownership of everything. My essence, my past, my potential and for the first time in my life I made a concerted effort to fully live in the present.

The first few months I was like a toddler, still not ready to play outside and a bit clumsy, stumbling a bit.

Then I hit April and I had the first opportunity to test the evolved version of me. Life was busy albeit relatively quiet and happy. It was not comfortable or easy though – keeping things real and keeping them simple. My biggest enemy is, and always was, my own ego. #EgosMustFall. The situation in April took me by surprise. It felt good to be true to myself.

Life continued as it does. Uncomfortable yes, but productive. I was getting stuff done. I wasn’t realizing it but I was growing. I was getting stronger. I was flexing muscles.

Another test in July – this time a huge one. Again it felt good to be true to myself. With each test I fell more and more madly deeply in love… with me.

Then from July until now the time just flew by. Many things happened. Both in my career and in my personal life. This has been a good year for me in terms of both. Tremendous growth. I know that I’m not where I want to be yet. I also know that I don’t actually know exactly what it is that I want, or where or what that exactly entails yet, but I certainly know what I do not want. Most importantly, I know Bronwyn. And I know that she’s got this.

It’s been a beautiful year.