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Bronwyn Swartz

~ Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

Bronwyn Swartz

Category Archives: Funny

Yoga with Bella

18 Thursday Apr 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, Funny, General, My Adventures

≈ 1 Comment

So my new favourite thing is yoga. I simply love my two new pink yoga blocks and my bubblegum blue yoga mat. The thing is, Bella (our cat) seems to love it even more than what I do!

I suspect it might be the spongy texture of the yoga mat. As soon as I take out the mat to start doing some asanas, then Bella is on the mat – before I can even get into a tadasana!

Then to add insult to injury, Bella then proceeds to show me how it should really be done. Never mind downward dog…. Downward cat anyone?

Ohm Shanti. Namaste πŸ™πŸΎ

A panacea for all ailments: Breyani

10 Saturday Nov 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny

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Baking [Beyk-ing]

20 Saturday Oct 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny

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Baking [Beyk-ing] – The use of sorcery or alchemy to transform ordinary ingredients into a totally new substance

Dear Brain

09 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny, General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

≈ 3 Comments

Gosh, I’ll start by saying how grateful I am to you. Not only very grateful, I love you. You amaze me all the time with your ability to remember stuff that would seem impossible to remember. You do snapshot comparisons, you contrast and you detect similarities between issues so incredibly quickly. A master at logic you are. That is your function and you do it so very very well. I bow before you.

You have kept me safe. You have gotten me positions and jobs because people have seen how well you work. You are such a very important part of me. But Brain, my dear Brain, I honestly must tell you are a bit of a speed freak. And because you sometimes go so fast you make mistakes. Not often, but sometimes when you make a mistake it’s a big one, sometimes with severe consequences.

But Brain, don’t feel bad. I’m not telling you this to upset you. We both know how important you are. I’m telling you this because I have some good news. The news is that you can take a break. You don’t have to work so hard all the time. You have a twin sister. Her name is Heart. She’s here to help you.

You and Heart both have the same intention. She also looks after me and I love her too just like I love you. She’s not as quick to react as you are but she is also very very good at her job. She is more sure of herself and more consistent than what you are, even though she allows you override her often – because she is not as insistent or loud as you are.

Heart is funny too, just like you are. After all, She’s your twin! She mirrors your personality but in a softer way. So don’t worry, she’ll keep us entertained with her antics too. Letting her take over is not a threat to us and don’t be deceived – she’s not a weak as she looks like.

Brain, tonight I can feel you are stressed. Again, the world has put lots of items on your to-do list plus there’s a lot of other things going on around us. But don’t worry Brain. I’m here tonight to tell you that it’s ok for you to let Heart take over for a while. It’s more than ok – because you my dear Brain actually are in need of a rest now. You’re going at 180km/hr now and our whole body is feeling it. We’re feeling a bit shaky and wobbly. You are exhausting us. Let’s give the wheel to your sister, Heart. You take a rest now.

Let’s not worry about sharing the power with her dear Brain. You won’t be completely gone, just in the background for now. And let’s trust her (Heart that is) especially when she says, it really doesn’t matter a darn stitch what is going on around outside of us. We know that you my dear Brain have been trying to control all the negative outside of us, to stop it from hurting us, but tonight she has a very valid point.

Screw the negative outside of us Brain. Hand the wheel over to her and let her stabilize us from the inside. Then no matter what negative is happening on the outside we can go on doing what we all, as whole want to, need to and are meant to do.

Take a rest. Let go. She’s got this.

 

A special thanks…

02 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny, General, Purely Academic

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For tonight’s good mood, kindly sponsored by Douwe Egberts.

Hello June…

31 Thursday May 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny, General

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Bad Moms

13 Sunday May 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, Funny, General, My Adventures

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So during the week in passing conversation with my minions, we were joking about just what a bad mom I am. My youngest minion reminded me of the day that she had an open wound and I didn’t have Dettol (antiseptic) to clean it – so I used tequila to disinfect her wound.

Admittedly I pulled a couple of weird stunts like, that so every now and then my minions ‘pretend moan’ to each other about me – but I somehow get the idea that they secretly love having a ‘Bad Mom’.

img_4169

Their dad is a whole lot more uptight and so when they are with me, they joke about how the roles should be reversed …since I am the ‘mom’ after-all. I have heard them telling their friends in a fake looking for sympathy kind of way about stuff I have done, have not done or have put them through.

These include:

  • Me regularly threatening to sell them on eBay
  • Having a planned ‘bunk school’ day with them as a reward for studying for their exams … Bribery is the key to successful parenting
  • I taught them how to gamble by teaching them to play klawerjas – a trick taking card game. We would play poker chips if they ran out of pocket money, but they better than what I am – so I’m the one always running out of money
  • Me forgetting it was my daughter’s sports day and went hiking up Lion’s Head. Just a few meters from summit my son sent me a picture of her crossing the finish line πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ
  • We went on a family trip to Knysna and I took them with me into a pub. (The context being the whole family went to the pub for a meal – but still they love telling their friends “Mom took us to the pub”)
  • Every now and then I feed them two minute noodles for dinner (note: only when I know that my own mother isn’t coming to visit – because then I would be in trouble!). I personally skip dinner in lieu of work from time to time, and then I tell them to help themselves to two minute noodles if they can find any. They moan about it – but I know they secretly love it…. much rather prefer two minute noodles to veggies
  • I got them up early one Sunday morning to take them to an artsy film at an indi cinema. As we were walking to the cinema my daughter was incessantly moaning about being forced to wake up so early. So my son says to her “Sister, be grateful that our mom is a bad mom – things could be worse, you could have been woken up early on a Sunday to go to church”

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

So I am a bad mom. I might be the worst mom. I send them to school with creased clothes and unbrushed hair – but I make sure their homework is done. In fact always I do homework and school projects with them.

I don’t care what my kids look like. I do care very much that I teach them how to love and look after themselves.

When I decided to have kids, it wasn’t the plan to raise them as a single mom, but plans change, and that’s just how life worked out for us. And you know what, that’s perfectly fine. My house is a frequently in a mess and my wallet is regularly empty, but my heart….. yes my heart is over the top brimming FULL.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the good moms and also to all my fellow bad moms out there 🌻🌹❀️

The misadventures of Accused Number 1, Number 2 and Number 3…

03 Saturday Feb 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, Funny, General, My Adventures

≈ 2 Comments

So I had the coolest experience at the Cape Town High Court. I found myself at the High Court because one of my BFFs was admitted to the bar as an attorney!!! Whoop whoop πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸΎπŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸ€ΈπŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ† Well freaking done Melissa Suzanne Baker!

She graciously allowed me to share that very happy, somewhat emotional and extremely proud experience with her… but not in a stock standard way, as is typical Bronwyn.

So the morning started with breakfast around the corner from High Court and about an hour before the admission procedure, the group of us (Mel, family and friends) pickled off to the High Court building to witness the admission. The High Court building consists of several courtrooms.

 

To our surprise (maybe not) Courtroom 1, where Mel was to be admitted was packed to capacity – so besides Mel, we couldn’t all go in. After standing outside for a bit Roberto, another friend and I decided since we can’t see the admission and we were at High Court, we might as well do a bit of exploring…

img_5029

Packed balcony outside the courtroom. No way to get in….what to do, what to do.?.. AH HA, Let’s find the divorce court!

Picture taken from foyer with view of balcony outside Courtroom 1

 

The building itself was like a maze to us, as we pretty much peered into every room, nook and cranny that we could, looking for a courtroom where something intriguing was happening.

 

Roberto and I figured that finding the divorce court in High Court would probably be cool thing, because at least you know if you meet someone there, you definitely know they’re single! And you don’t have to pay an online dating service for those introductions πŸ€“. We so smart! So off we missioned to find the divorce court.

 

Wonder what's behind this door?
Wonder what’s behind this door?
Stairs to holding cells?
Stairs to holding cells?
img_5033

And so we accidentally meandered into Judge’s chambers and small rooms that looked like meeting rooms, until we finally found a courtroom where it looked like something interesting was taking place. Not knowing where we were or what exactly we were doing we sat down in some benches. There were attorneys and other people around us. They first looked amused at the sight of us but then they pretty much ignored us. After a few minutes we peered around and discovered a short staircase right behind our seats leading from what we could only assume were the holding cells at the court! There we sat, Accused number 1, 2 and 3…

For 30 seconds we pondered going downstairs to check it out, but then we remembered our gangster-speak wasn’t actually that good, and we weren’t quite sure what we’d say to Aggies and Ougat if we met up with them down there. So we abandoned that idea and decided to go in search of the divorce court again. Instead, we found the civil courtroom and watched a few interesting matters then decided was time to go again.

We thought about perhaps trying to find another courtroom but it worked out that our timing was perfect because as we got to the foyer area again we met up with the rest of our party who actually made it into the courtroom with Melissa. And there too was Melissa, our friend… the newly admitted attorney. And so of course it was time to head outside for photos.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Not too shabby for a Friday morning adventure me thinks 😊. But now tis time for my minion weekend for this year.

I guess we’ll never know

31 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny, General

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Simple Comforts

17 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Funny, General, My Adventures

≈ 4 Comments

1. Making a huge pot of popcorn, after coming home from a run and eating it all while watching a movie

2. Watching an old’ish movie you intended to see ages ago when it was on circuit… but you missed it. So you stream it #iTunesRocks

3. Listening to Ed Sheeran #CutieWithAmazingVoice

4. Devil’s Peak First Light

5. Burning rose or geranium scented incense for no particular reason …just because you are beautiful and life is good.

6. Watching your children interact with their friends #Priceless

7. Giving yourself ‘off’ from working on a particular night even though you didn’t finish those impossible goals you said you would that day. YOLO… life is more than just work!

8. Having a Din Din club to send drunk texts to. …. not like that I send drunk texts like sometimes… like ever (or blog when drunk 🀞🏾) πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜±…. much.

9. Insight Timer to lull you to sleep.

10. Drinking gin, beautiful gin in the dark, taking selfies and laughing at yourself for being an idiot.

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