I have Olivia and Candice with me. They are my two greatest fears. About a month ago I came up with the idea to give my greatest fears names. I don’t know why the names Candice and Olivia – I just like those names I guess.

See, I have this gut feeling that “fear” is my friend. If I am feeling fear, it is my intuition trying to tell me something. It’s a message. Instinctively, my human nature wants to push fear away, or overcome fear. I spent ten years learning to overcome fears by challenging myself. Pushing fear back or running towards it. I achieved amazing things by doing that – but something (some seed of wisdom deep down in my tummy) tells me that is not the healthiest way to deal with fear. Hence, this my experiment.

Instead of fighting my two biggest fears, I’ve manifested them as real friends in my world by naming them. And whenever I feel their presence, I acknowledge them… even sometimes talk to them. Let’s see how far I get with this 🤦🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. It just feels right.

Learning to be aware of my emotions, as I’ve explained above, is the most empowering tools that I’ve been gifted with. At the moment I feel very sad about something in my life. However, I also feel curious, excited and moderately nervous about two other things in my life. I feel strong and courageous about the work I am doing. I feel the weight of responsibility because I am determined to do a good job. At same time I’m feeling compassionate towards myself. And I feel loving towards the world in general. Our earth is so beautiful. People are so beautiful. Yes, sometimes people act in ugly ways, but when that happens it’s because they’re hurting inside. I truly believe that human nature is inherently beautiful. So I’m also feeling grateful. I’m also grateful for my amazing minions and my family and friends. A proper medley of emotions. A dichotomous melange.

This is why life is beautiful. The intense fear, the despair and sadness, the curiosity, the excitement, the hope, the courageousness and the gratitude. There, right there…. That is the point of life. To feel it all.

Yeah, I know what you thinking. This woman is nuts 🥜. You might be right. But I don’t care. I love you too!

Credit: https://safire-rose.com/books-and-media/poetry/she-let-go

Read by John Siddique: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MBCfAbZZjqY

I’m stepping back and looking at the calibration curve. It’s an analogy from my days working in the chemistry lab. See before you test any chemistry samples you need to make up a standard solution – actually…. not one but five. Five different but known concentrations of a particular standard solution. For example if it’s iron or magnesium that you testing for, you make up a 10ppm, 25ppm, 50ppm, 100ppm and 150ppm of iron or magnesium.

If your testing apparatus (the machine you’re using) gives you accurate results for these “known concentration” solutions then can be relatively sure that you can trust all the iron or magnesium results of the rest of the samples you’re about to test.

Now, it’s seldom that 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm etc will read exactly 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm because variations are a natural part of life. And, importantly if you look too closely at just one point in your curve, it’s more than likely upsetting, because you’ll only see how far that particular point is away from what it’s supposed to be! However, if you look at all five of them together, you will more than likely see a beautiful curve form right in front of you.

Looking back at my 2018 “curve”, I am not unsure of how I feel. I feel strong. I am very tired at the moment though, as a productive year draws to an end. So I took today off. Mostly spent it in bed and reflected. Although I’m tired I’m more sure of myself than what I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’m certain of the direction I am going in.

Admittedly I am scared because so much is unknown. But fear is not gonna stop me from moving forward. My heart beats strong and urges me on. Something up ahead beckons. I’m cloaked with a strong sense of purpose and an immense sense of gratitude floods over me when I compare the person I am today to the person who I was two years ago.

2017 was kind to me because it pulverized me, crushed me before it shred me to bits. Even my hair hurt. The golden gift it bestowed on me through this was, it forced me strip off every narrative I previously taken on and used – all the walls that I built over the years and identities I thought defined me. After crushing me however, it introduced me to the nicest person that I know. Me.

So as 2018 started, I felt naked. I was also aware that it wasn’t a brand new beginning. It was simply a ‘rebooted me’. It was who I am, before I became anything else. I was naked because for the first time in my life I was simply being who I am without a single shard of anything else to cover me or conceal my soul. I’ve always been pretty authentic but never so naked and vulnerable. Evolved and taking ownership of everything. My essence, my past, my potential and for the first time in my life I made a concerted effort to fully live in the present.

The first few months I was like a toddler, still not ready to play outside and a bit clumsy, stumbling a bit.

Then I hit April and I had the first opportunity to test the evolved version of me. Life was busy albeit relatively quiet and happy. It was not comfortable or easy though – keeping things real and keeping them simple. My biggest enemy is, and always was, my own ego. #EgosMustFall. The situation in April took me by surprise. It felt good to be true to myself.

Life continued as it does. Uncomfortable yes, but productive. I was getting stuff done. I wasn’t realizing it but I was growing. I was getting stronger. I was flexing muscles.

Another test in July – this time a huge one. Again it felt good to be true to myself. With each test I fell more and more madly deeply in love… with me.

Then from July until now the time just flew by. Many things happened. Both in my career and in my personal life. This has been a good year for me in terms of both. Tremendous growth. I know that I’m not where I want to be yet. I also know that I don’t actually know exactly what it is that I want, or where or what that exactly entails yet, but I certainly know what I do not want. Most importantly, I know Bronwyn. And I know that she’s got this.

It’s been a beautiful year.

I’m in the habit of googling phrases that describe how I’m feel at a particular moment and usually a bunch of articles come up, from which I select one or two or three to read. In a way it’s like having a conversation with someone (without someone actually having to be there) who understands how you feeling. Mostly it’s helpful, and I’ve honestly found some really good ones that have given me ‘real food for thought’ and helped me process whatever it is that I was feeling.

An interesting situation that has now arisen is currently I can’t find an article that adequately describes my current feelings or situation. I don’t think I’m unusual or special in any way. I guess that when most people feel like I am feeling at the moment they just don’t bother to write about it. So that’s why I am now writing about it.

I’m not scared of being alone or lonely. That notion or concept has lost its sting for me. I think over the past year (just like one would train yourself to not be afraid of the dark), I’ve trained myself to not be afraid of being (1) alone – or by myself and (2) feeling lonely. I’m not afraid of it anymore but …. I just don’t enjoy it.

There are many theories on how not to feel lonely. One that resonates with me is establishing human connections. For the most part ‘being connected’ to others mitigates the negativity of feelings associated with loneliness. And I am connected. I have an amazing supportive family, strong bonds with my children, I’ve two super best friends, a handful of other really close friends, a network of other activity partners, two great business partners, a bunch of adoring students who I love working with. And I don’t isolate myself from them. When I engage, it’s rich and meaningful. Equally important, I am in touch with my innermost core-self too, and I regularly spend time alone meditating or running to sustain that connection.

But there are times when I don’t feel like meditating, or like just being quiet and on my own. And I am not unhappy with being by myself but I do feel like something is missing. It’s like eating broccoli. I’ll eat it (spend alone quiet time with myself) and I don’t mind it but I don’t really enjoy it that much. Whoever said they enjoy eating broccoli is a liar…. trust me on that! It tastes ok but it’s not the same as ice-cream.

The most natural thing for me now to do is to get a partner and although I have tried, it’s not so easy. For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that there must be some physical attraction, or at the very least not repulsion. Let’s be honest, all of us have preferences and certain things like physical attributes that we would rather stay clear of – for me it’s a full beard. Not stubble or a goatee – that’s rather handsome, but a Father Christmas kinda beard. It just is.

Then, at my age I am not a blank slate. I come with experiences and I come with baggage. Let’s start with the baggage. Obvious ones that spring to mind are my children and my cats baggage yes, but I also come with a supportive family, a bunch of friends, a house, a car, a motorbike, a successful career (which includes students who depend on me) = all my baggage. See as the years passed I have built (and invested) so now I have these assets. A man I get involved with must not only not mind any of my assets that but he must also understand the value of all of my assets. If he has his own assets then one could assume (although it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true) that he will understand. To manage all of those assets, time is arguably my most precious commodity. If he is not able to comprehend that, then he doesn’t see my true value or worth. Then we are not a match and I’d rather not be with him.

So it’s more difficult at my age to find someone who meets that criteria. When we were about 20, we all had nothing or very little. Now that I am about 40, if he doesn’t have similar to what I have then there’s a chance that he and I do not share certain values. That doesn’t exclude a every man out there, there are exceptions, but it’s definitely a consideration.

Secondly let’s talk about experiences. Over the past 20 years, during my marriage and after, I have had experiences that have moulded and influenced me. I believe that I have processed most of them very well and although I still carry some scars, because of that, I am wiser. Quite frankly, I’m really proud of my scars because going through all those experiences has made me much more loving, more compassionate and definitely more purposeful. I am still here to serve a purpose. Now, this also means that a man more or less my age will naturally also have had his own set of experiences. The thing is, each individual will process their own personal experiences differently and at a different pace. This is yet another variable to contend with in a partner search. See, what can happen is that you can find someone who you think is amazing (like I did a few times) because of the high level of synchronicity in so many areas, but then you discover (like I also did a few times) that he is still dealing with stuff from his past. A very common example that I can make is self esteem issues – because we all suffer from it. No human being is exempt from self esteem issues. But just how big are those self esteem issues – that’s the question.

So what now…. well, getting back to that loneliness. I’m not scared of it, but admittedly it’s just downright unpleasant when I find myself in it. I’m currently still experimenting with healthy ways to deal with it. Not being fearful of it permitted me the space to realize that what I must not do is to settle (again) ….. Being scared of being alone is the reason why I did that in the past. So even though I’ve dated some really nice guys this year, my intuition is telling me: “if it doesn’t feel right, then don’t pursue it”.

The guys are really lovely fellas but….

One fella did Ironman a bunch of times, very masculine, brimming with testosterone, a very physical oke with a strong kind heart. I’m completely attracted to his sheer determination. And even more attracted to his cheerful demeanor. Whenever we’ve been on a date I’ve noticed how he goes out of his way to say something nice to people – like the cashier or waiter. Sweet guy, people’s person, physically strong. But….

There was another dastardly handsome fella who had me laughing all the time. Quick witted and so smart too, I literally could have conversations with him for hours on end – and we did. He works out of town and almost every night we’d speak on the telephone about various random things for two, three sometimes four hours. He is interested in my opinion and has a kind, benevolent nature just like I do. But…

Then there’s the other fella, who is very tall and super cute in a nerdy kind of a way, and fairly sporty too. Really sweet kind guy with a gentle nature. Calls me Princess 👸🏽 and packed a surprise beach picnic for our second date. I feel completely relaxed when I’m around him, But…

I’m not expecting to find someone perfect because I’m not perfect. Far from perfect – So maybe – I am probably going to settle. Maybe we all have to settle eventually – but my heart is telling me don’t settle Yet. So for now, I’ll eat my broccoli 🥦