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Bronwyn Swartz

~ Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

Bronwyn Swartz

Category Archives: My Adventures

Anything related to surfing, biking, running and the rest

Rules for being human

18 Tuesday Feb 2020

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, General, My Adventures, Opinion Post

≈ Leave a comment

I saw this post on Instagram a few months ago, and it struck me as something really cool – so I saved the picture (Photo credit House of Yoga – my yoga studio in Claremont). I have been battling with personal situation since January and by processing my emotions, I had a meaningful life experience – from absolute inner turmoil to freedom, liberation and peace. I woke up from a nap this afternoon and for some reason remembered the picture and suddenly it struck me that I can write a narrative of the experience and align it to these rules… so here goes.

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Rule number 1: I have received a body that identifies me as woman. I’ve several typical traits of women all around the world – nothing particularly special about me. I get hungry, and tired and I get bored. I laugh, I cry. Sometimes I’m moody, but most of the time I’m bouncy and passionate about life. And just like every other woman I fall in love…

Rule number 2: I fell in love and got involved with particular man and from this experience came one of my lessons. A ‘good man’ by his own standards. I guess no one is perfect, but not a good enough man for me. It took ‘the experience‘ of our relationship (my lesson) for me to realise that. My intention with this post is not to bash him at all. I wish him well, but I’m sharing my story here because I feel that it is worth sharing. Maybe someone out there can relate, find comfort or amusement from it.

Rule number 3: I’m so tempted to think of my relationship with this man as a mistake. However in recent years I have started believing that everything and everyone in the universe is connected. We are all part of a great system and are co-dependent. A common misconception that I believe many of us fall prey to, is believing that we are alone in this thing called ‘life’. It’s a nasty trick that our ego plays on us. Ego itself is not bad thing as long as we keep it in check – the purpose of the ego is to ensure that we survive as a species. So everyone’s ego has them believing that they need to look out for themselves, that they need to protect themselves. In days of the caveman this was a crucial survival mechanism, when we needed to fend off wild animals, but this is no longer a requirement for our survival. When I turned 40 I started realising that a more peaceful, happier life comes from realising that I am part of the whole, despite what my ego says to me. It’s a move away from thinking that ‘things happen to me’, and rather that ‘things happen around me’. In all of our lives there are things that happen that are challenging (downright difficult) to deal with, that leave us suffering and reeling in pain and feeling like there should be no tomorrow. And yet, in retrospect, even what seemed like the worst situation at a particular time in my own life, was actually a seed from which I eventually harvested fruit – albeit years later. Everything is connected to the whole. Everything is connected to the source – and for that reason there have been no mistakes in my own life – including my relationship with this man. No mistakes.

Rule number 4: My relationship with this man was a repeated lesson. In 2011/12, I had a remarkably similar experience, when I was also in an intimate relationship with someone and he was seeing someone else too. Not sure if I was the side chic, or she was the side chic? Who knows. Two-timing is not the issue here – Not important for me to delve into that at all – #DifferentStrokesForDifferentFolks. The point of this blog post is to focus on my own response to the discovery. Back in 2012, when that chap ‘broke’ up with me, he didn’t actually break up with me in person. Previous boyfriend also just ghosted me. He just disappeared without any explanation. Gone. This sent me into a downward emotional spiral of feeling loss. The pain and uncertainty of not knowing what had happened left me spinning like a top. I agonised, berated myself and beat myself up and went into semi-isolation because of my shame, for about nine months trying to figure out what I did wrong (which by the way is the ego stepping in to unsuccessfully prevent something like that happening again). I could not understand because he was the one who pursued me, and it went from him being all over my space, to periodically being in my space, to nothing at all. I even thought it was because of my children and work – that I didn’t have enough time for him – that I wasn’t good enough for him. It is uncanny when I think about it now, how this most recent experience that I had is almost identical to eight years ago.

Rule number 5: Today I am better equipt to deal with this situation. It still hurt like a mother-fucker, but all the subsequent lessons that I had since that first breakup, prepared me to manage my most recent breakup. Lessons like ‘in the end it’s only kindness that matters‘, ‘self-compassion is the greatest healing salve’, ‘mindfulness makes life more bearable’ and ‘whatever happened has already happened -it’s done‘ and most importantly ‘I am not alone – there are people who love me unconditionally around me, even though I still hadn’t learnt to love myself unconditionally’. This time round I took some ‘time out’ to become aware of the feelings causing me pain, and I treated myself like a wounded child – just like I would treat one of my own children. And then, I also reached out to four of my very best friends and two brothers – I didn’t not tell them what was wrong (because it still hurt too much), but I asked for their prayers and support. And they rallied around me – so grateful. In retrospect, I understand that my healing is taking place at an exponential rate because of other ‘lessons’ (bad experiences in the past)

Rule number 6: The compassion that I received from my friends and brothers made me realise that essentially the pain and hurt that I was experiencing is caused by my own mind. This time around, from a different perspective I realise that my ‘loss’ isn’t a real loss – not a significant loss in the greater scheme of things. The rest of my life still lies ahead of me (related to Lesson number 8). If I was still involved with the man who broke my heart in January, who know what future we would have had. The fact that he hurt me means that he is hurting – I don’t believe that anyone aside from sociopaths can deceive another without hurting themselves to a degree. Maybe he doesn’t feel it now, or represses it for years but eventually he will have to come to terms with his own behaviour – whatever the case – it’s none of my business any longer. My only business is letting go of my pain now, so that my ‘better’ tomorrow comes sooner. If I am capable of doing that now, then ‘here and now’ doesn’t need to be any worse than ‘then and there’ in the future.

Rule number 7: This is related to what I said about one person hurting another. What happened was because our insecurities – why would anyone ‘play the field’? We were intimate partners and yet the topic of commitment caused great anguish. And here’s the kicker – I’m not happy about what he did, but I really and truly understand it. I felt his lack of commitment and we even spoke about ‘us’ continuing with blinkers. I ignored my gut feelings. I suspect he did too which is why he did what he did. Ultimately, I attracted someone into my life who had the same broken pieces that I had. Because we really are one, I hope that both he and I are able to fix our broken pieces (just certainly not together). From here on, I’m taking fuller responsibility for fixing mine (yet another lesson in this lesson). It becomes apparent that a part of me still believed that having a partner was going to make me feel whole again. What transpired between him and I shattered the last remnants of that false belief. I don’t know exactly how yet, I am solely going to make me feel whole again.

Rule number 8 and 9:… notice now I’m getting a bit bored (refer to Rule number 1) so I’m doing 8 and 9 together, time to finish. So I choose to let go of my pain and continue living my best life. Sure, this means that I’m going to Thailand on my own, and also on a biking trip to Vietnam alone – but maybe not…. who knows. All that matters is that I have tomorrow, and whatever other days the source gives me. My life is still full of unrealised potential – as long as I am not scared. And I’m not scared. My life is a canvas, and canvas still feels half empty. There are some pretty amazing designs on it already, but why not … I think the rest of the designs I put on my canvas will be even better than what’s on it now!

Rule number 10: The answers that rescued me from my distress were and are indeed all inside of me. With a little help from my loved ones and my mediation app (Thank you Insight Timer), my inner turmoil has subsided.  I now make a conscious effort not shame myself for another failed relationship. Peace returns to my life, not through my own wisdom, but rather through the collective wisdom of the giant unit that I am part of – Gaia, the Universe, God, call it what you want to. The answers are all there. My job is just not to resist the pain that will lead me to these answers. By following the pain that comes from inside of us, with humility, we are able locate the fears that are the source of the pain, and then able to let go of it. The collective wisdom that resides within us reminds us that it does not serve us any good, and therefore we don’t need to hold onto pain. In this chapter of my story, it means that I do not need to hold on to him, or any of the memories of him. I just really don’t need him at all in my life. With love, I can release all the ties I have to him. This seemed absolutely impossible a few days ago, and yet tapping into the wisdom from deep within tells me to choose myself and my wellbeing first, over anyone else’s opinions. #NoShame

Rule number 11: Yeah, I probably will forget all of this.

Rule number 12: And yes, when I need to, I will remember it again. Namaste

Through the eyes of a new doctor

11 Friday Oct 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Purely Academic, Quality Stuff

≈ 9 Comments

The world still looks the same. It’s still a beautiful struggle. A beautiful beautiful struggle.

I deliberately haven’t blogged for over a month because I’ve honestly just been adjusting. I’ve been fully immersed in what was going on around me. And there has been a great deal going on.

This is my attempt at a bullet point summary…

1) Emotional experience around getting the doctorate when it struck me that Mrs Cloete had to die for Dr Swartz to be born. It felt raw and I felt hollow. It signalled the commencement of the next stage in my journey – radical self acceptance. The shadow me, is also me.

2) I was a bit overwhelmed initially by all the attention I got when I got the doctorate, however after about two weeks that seemed to settle. Out of pure coincidence three major things culminated in my life more-or-less the same time. Within the space of ten days I heard:

a) I am a finalist for an international e-Learning Excellence Award. I was invited to Denmark to present my case study in November

b) I won the Faculty Teaching Excellence Award in the Engineering Faculty for 2019 at my university

c) I was graduating with the doctorate… and then I decided to graduate wearing white converse sneakers and a VannieKaap t-shirt (www.shop.vanniekaap.com) which said “Chise your dreams”. Chise your dreams is a colloquialism in my community which essentially means “Pursue your dreams”.

One day I'll find my Prince, but my Daddy will always be the King
One day I’ll find my Prince, but my Daddy will always be the King
My supervisor, Prof Shalini Singh reading my abstract
My supervisor, Prof Shalini Singh reading my abstract
Awê Masekind
Awê Masekind
Mission completed
Mission completed
Chise your dreams!
Chise your dreams!

 

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3) Two articles about me were published on the university website. Here are the links them http://www.cput.ac.za/blogs/bulletin/2019/10/04/innovative-lecturer-shines-bright/ and  https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2635250656506113&id=166568333374370&anchor_composer=false#_=_ I’m just grateful.

4) I’ve successfully managed to secure funding via my university to go on a two legged trip. I’ll be presenting a paper in Dublin, Ireland on the 5th November and then participating in the e-Learning Excellence Awards on the 7-8th November in Copenhagen, Denmark. I applied for my visa on Wednesday morning.

5) I’ve been roped in at my university and got involved in the admin side of research in the Faculty. I’m simply LOVING it! I’m learning so much about the operational procedures required. It’s opened up a whole new world and perspective for me. I’ve only supervised students in the past. I’m now seeing the other end of things – understanding the engine that has to operate to get the vehicle from point A to point B. I was also once again asked by senior management to consider applying for the HoD position in my Department. Without a hint of hesitation I gracefully declined. I’m very pro-my university #MyCPUT. But I’m not yet ready for that, and quite frankly I’m not as interested in doing HoD work as I am about getting involved in research. I told my supervisor that I will have the greatest impact if I get involved with supporting the research program in my department. My heart burns to make a difference there – and I will.

6) I received ethical clearance for some more personal research that I want to do. Kinda excited about that.

7) I had a random horrible experience where I was ambushed during one of my lessons. A group of protesting students entered my class and violently disrupted it. In summary it was a traumatic experience and fortunately things did not turn out worse than what they did. All I want to do right now is get my students ready for final exams

8) Things are going ok with my own students. My stats students and BTech research students are managing. My MEng students are making good progress.

9) I’m the proud new owner of a MacBook Pro! Finally! And switching has been so easy. I’m simply loving it. The machine is so intuitive. It’s super fast too. What a pleasure. #NewToy

10) And finally…. just to remind me that as much as things might seem different, they really are still the same, my Bella reminds me of the real hierarchy in the world (and in my household) everyday. She is still the queen of everyone!

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And that’s all folks

A missed flight

14 Tuesday May 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures

≈ 2 Comments

A missed flight. I don’t know how we missed our flight. We really don’t know how on earth that happened. We were at the airport more than two hours before the time. My colleague and I were checked in and went through the check in gates.

As we walked towards our boarding gate she mentioned that she could not see the gate number. I saw it and I pointed it out. But it was closed. So we went to the ladies room.

When we got back from the ladies room, we sat at the gate, waiting for it to open. Neither of us checked the time. Neither of us realized it was five minutes before take off. We should have been in the plane already. And there was no boarding call for us.

When everyone around us got up, we did too. And then the shocking realization occurred, that we missed our flight.

We argued a bit with the ground staff. But there was really nothing left to do than buy new plane ticket. We were seriously ticked off. … Beyond ticked off – how on God’s green earth did we miss that flight!!!! R506 extra to pay each. It was not funny.

We tried to make the best of it. Took out some work as we waited for the two hours to pass before our next flight. Cold comfort. We agreed… let’s not think about it. It’s just upsetting. Phahhh.

We made small talk. Agreed that there is some greater cosmic reason why we missed that flight. For someone else’s benefit. Or ours… who knows… who cares. Let’s just go on. And we made damn sure we were at the gate when we needed to board our rebooked flight.

Seated on the flight we settled down. Started talking about some guys we knew. I didn’t pay much attention to him as he went through the preflight safety drill. Seen that crap a billion times before.

And then he came around with the courtesy trolley. I wanted a beer. Was still trying to sooth my ‘being upset’ after missing our flight. And that is when he went out of his way to catch my attention. He was listening to me speak to my friend and responded with gestures to my quirky chirps.

My turn came and I asked for a beer. As he got it, he then asked me something. My response was ‘only if you gonna keep me‘ – and his response was that he would. As he gave me the beer, he asked ‘Ms or Mrs‘ and I said ‘Dr‘ (holly har Bronwyn 😱). Then he asked if I had a business card. I said no.

And then he helped the guy in the aisle opposite me who wanted heaven knows what – an assortment of odd treats. In between doing that he put a pen and serviette on my tray table. ‘Just in case, putting it there, Use it. Don’t use it‘ he says….

I did the necessary.

A random vague blur. The stuff that real life is made of? Fact seems stranger than fiction.

The universe has got this. It doesn’t need my interference. Nothing is random. Everything works better when I don’t try to control it.

Facts –

1) If we caught our flight, I’d have never met him.

2) If my friend and I chose our own seats on the next flight, I’d have never met him.

3) If the guy on the opposite side of the aisle didn’t want a bunch of random stuff, and make small talk, I would have never given him my number.

#GoWithTheFlow

 

Yoga with Bella

18 Thursday Apr 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, Funny, General, My Adventures

≈ 1 Comment

So my new favourite thing is yoga. I simply love my two new pink yoga blocks and my bubblegum blue yoga mat. The thing is, Bella (our cat) seems to love it even more than what I do!

I suspect it might be the spongy texture of the yoga mat. As soon as I take out the mat to start doing some asanas, then Bella is on the mat – before I can even get into a tadasana!

Then to add insult to injury, Bella then proceeds to show me how it should really be done. Never mind downward dog…. Downward cat anyone?

Ohm Shanti. Namaste 🙏🏾

Endgame

04 Thursday Apr 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, General, My Adventures

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So it’s almost that time again. #Excitals

Tickets are booked. I can hardly wait! The minions are supposed to have a maths lesson that Thursday evening but we’re canceling it. It’s all about priorities!

My minions and I are hard core Avengers fans – anything MCU actually! It started a long time ago when my boy was a wee babe and he had a thing for Spiderman. Even when he was under a year old, it was clear that Spiderman was his greatest hero. Some thought that he would outgrow it but he didn’t.

There’s a part of me that’s nervous about the movie. We all know what a horror movie Infinity War turned out to be. It was traumatic. Emotionally tumultuous. We were psychologically scarred. I needed counseling after that movie – I kid you not. We left the cinema in silence and with red watery eyes. We went through the motions… Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression.

I would describe it as the perfect movie to watch on Halloween 🎃 👻 if you looking for something to scare and sadden you.

But in true Avengers style, we take courage. We lift our chins and our bruised and battered hearts. And so the rest of the motions followed… Acceptance.

And once again there is Hope.

Endgame. Only 21 more sleeps to go 😄

Dichotomy

21 Thursday Feb 2019

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

≈ 2 Comments

I have Olivia and Candice with me. They are my two greatest fears. About a month ago I came up with the idea to give my greatest fears names. I don’t know why the names Candice and Olivia – I just like those names I guess.

See, I have this gut feeling that “fear” is my friend. If I am feeling fear, it is my intuition trying to tell me something. It’s a message. Instinctively, my human nature wants to push fear away, or overcome fear. I spent ten years learning to overcome fears by challenging myself. Pushing fear back or running towards it. I achieved amazing things by doing that – but something (some seed of wisdom deep down in my tummy) tells me that is not the healthiest way to deal with fear. Hence, this my experiment.

Instead of fighting my two biggest fears, I’ve manifested them as real friends in my world by naming them. And whenever I feel their presence, I acknowledge them… even sometimes talk to them. Let’s see how far I get with this 🤦🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. It just feels right.

Learning to be aware of my emotions, as I’ve explained above, is the most empowering tools that I’ve been gifted with. At the moment I feel very sad about something in my life. However, I also feel curious, excited and moderately nervous about two other things in my life. I feel strong and courageous about the work I am doing. I feel the weight of responsibility because I am determined to do a good job. At same time I’m feeling compassionate towards myself. And I feel loving towards the world in general. Our earth is so beautiful. People are so beautiful. Yes, sometimes people act in ugly ways, but when that happens it’s because they’re hurting inside. I truly believe that human nature is inherently beautiful. So I’m also feeling grateful. I’m also grateful for my amazing minions and my family and friends. A proper medley of emotions. A dichotomous melange.

This is why life is beautiful. The intense fear, the despair and sadness, the curiosity, the excitement, the hope, the courageousness and the gratitude. There, right there…. That is the point of life. To feel it all.

Yeah, I know what you thinking. This woman is nuts 🥜. You might be right. But I don’t care. I love you too!

A word of thanks 🙏🏾

31 Monday Dec 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, General, My Adventures, Opinion Post

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2019, I’m waiting. Let’s you and I be friends

Sweet surrender

16 Sunday Dec 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

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Credit: https://safire-rose.com/books-and-media/poetry/she-let-go

Read by John Siddique: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MBCfAbZZjqY

The calibration curve

07 Friday Dec 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

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I’m stepping back and looking at the calibration curve. It’s an analogy from my days working in the chemistry lab. See before you test any chemistry samples you need to make up a standard solution – actually…. not one but five. Five different but known concentrations of a particular standard solution. For example if it’s iron or magnesium that you testing for, you make up a 10ppm, 25ppm, 50ppm, 100ppm and 150ppm of iron or magnesium.

If your testing apparatus (the machine you’re using) gives you accurate results for these “known concentration” solutions then can be relatively sure that you can trust all the iron or magnesium results of the rest of the samples you’re about to test.

Now, it’s seldom that 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm etc will read exactly 10ppm or 25ppm or 50ppm because variations are a natural part of life. And, importantly if you look too closely at just one point in your curve, it’s more than likely upsetting, because you’ll only see how far that particular point is away from what it’s supposed to be! However, if you look at all five of them together, you will more than likely see a beautiful curve form right in front of you.

Looking back at my 2018 “curve”, I am not unsure of how I feel. I feel strong. I am very tired at the moment though, as a productive year draws to an end. So I took today off. Mostly spent it in bed and reflected. Although I’m tired I’m more sure of myself than what I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’m certain of the direction I am going in.

Admittedly I am scared because so much is unknown. But fear is not gonna stop me from moving forward. My heart beats strong and urges me on. Something up ahead beckons. I’m cloaked with a strong sense of purpose and an immense sense of gratitude floods over me when I compare the person I am today to the person who I was two years ago.

2017 was kind to me because it pulverized me, crushed me before it shred me to bits. Even my hair hurt. The golden gift it bestowed on me through this was, it forced me strip off every narrative I previously taken on and used – all the walls that I built over the years and identities I thought defined me. After crushing me however, it introduced me to the nicest person that I know. Me.

So as 2018 started, I felt naked. I was also aware that it wasn’t a brand new beginning. It was simply a ‘rebooted me’. It was who I am, before I became anything else. I was naked because for the first time in my life I was simply being who I am without a single shard of anything else to cover me or conceal my soul. I’ve always been pretty authentic but never so naked and vulnerable. Evolved and taking ownership of everything. My essence, my past, my potential and for the first time in my life I made a concerted effort to fully live in the present.

The first few months I was like a toddler, still not ready to play outside and a bit clumsy, stumbling a bit.

Then I hit April and I had the first opportunity to test the evolved version of me. Life was busy albeit relatively quiet and happy. It was not comfortable or easy though – keeping things real and keeping them simple. My biggest enemy is, and always was, my own ego. #EgosMustFall. The situation in April took me by surprise. It felt good to be true to myself.

Life continued as it does. Uncomfortable yes, but productive. I was getting stuff done. I wasn’t realizing it but I was growing. I was getting stronger. I was flexing muscles.

Another test in July – this time a huge one. Again it felt good to be true to myself. With each test I fell more and more madly deeply in love… with me.

Then from July until now the time just flew by. Many things happened. Both in my career and in my personal life. This has been a good year for me in terms of both. Tremendous growth. I know that I’m not where I want to be yet. I also know that I don’t actually know exactly what it is that I want, or where or what that exactly entails yet, but I certainly know what I do not want. Most importantly, I know Bronwyn. And I know that she’s got this.

It’s been a beautiful year.

Eating Broccoli 🥦

13 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

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I’m in the habit of googling phrases that describe how I’m feel at a particular moment and usually a bunch of articles come up, from which I select one or two or three to read. In a way it’s like having a conversation with someone (without someone actually having to be there) who understands how you feeling. Mostly it’s helpful, and I’ve honestly found some really good ones that have given me ‘real food for thought’ and helped me process whatever it is that I was feeling.

An interesting situation that has now arisen is currently I can’t find an article that adequately describes my current feelings or situation. I don’t think I’m unusual or special in any way. I guess that when most people feel like I am feeling at the moment they just don’t bother to write about it. So that’s why I am now writing about it.

I’m not scared of being alone or lonely. That notion or concept has lost its sting for me. I think over the past year (just like one would train yourself to not be afraid of the dark), I’ve trained myself to not be afraid of being (1) alone – or by myself and (2) feeling lonely. I’m not afraid of it anymore but …. I just don’t enjoy it.

There are many theories on how not to feel lonely. One that resonates with me is establishing human connections. For the most part ‘being connected’ to others mitigates the negativity of feelings associated with loneliness. And I am connected. I have an amazing supportive family, strong bonds with my children, I’ve two super best friends, a handful of other really close friends, a network of other activity partners, two great business partners, a bunch of adoring students who I love working with. And I don’t isolate myself from them. When I engage, it’s rich and meaningful. Equally important, I am in touch with my innermost core-self too, and I regularly spend time alone meditating or running to sustain that connection.

But there are times when I don’t feel like meditating, or like just being quiet and on my own. And I am not unhappy with being by myself but I do feel like something is missing. It’s like eating broccoli. I’ll eat it (spend alone quiet time with myself) and I don’t mind it but I don’t really enjoy it that much. Whoever said they enjoy eating broccoli is a liar…. trust me on that! It tastes ok but it’s not the same as ice-cream.

The most natural thing for me now to do is to get a partner and although I have tried, it’s not so easy. For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that there must be some physical attraction, or at the very least not repulsion. Let’s be honest, all of us have preferences and certain things like physical attributes that we would rather stay clear of – for me it’s a full beard. Not stubble or a goatee – that’s rather handsome, but a Father Christmas kinda beard. It just is.

Then, at my age I am not a blank slate. I come with experiences and I come with baggage. Let’s start with the baggage. Obvious ones that spring to mind are my children and my cats baggage yes, but I also come with a supportive family, a bunch of friends, a house, a car, a motorbike, a successful career (which includes students who depend on me) = all my baggage. See as the years passed I have built (and invested) so now I have these assets. A man I get involved with must not only not mind any of my assets that but he must also understand the value of all of my assets. If he has his own assets then one could assume (although it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true) that he will understand. To manage all of those assets, time is arguably my most precious commodity. If he is not able to comprehend that, then he doesn’t see my true value or worth. Then we are not a match and I’d rather not be with him.

So it’s more difficult at my age to find someone who meets that criteria. When we were about 20, we all had nothing or very little. Now that I am about 40, if he doesn’t have similar to what I have then there’s a chance that he and I do not share certain values. That doesn’t exclude a every man out there, there are exceptions, but it’s definitely a consideration.

Secondly let’s talk about experiences. Over the past 20 years, during my marriage and after, I have had experiences that have moulded and influenced me. I believe that I have processed most of them very well and although I still carry some scars, because of that, I am wiser. Quite frankly, I’m really proud of my scars because going through all those experiences has made me much more loving, more compassionate and definitely more purposeful. I am still here to serve a purpose. Now, this also means that a man more or less my age will naturally also have had his own set of experiences. The thing is, each individual will process their own personal experiences differently and at a different pace. This is yet another variable to contend with in a partner search. See, what can happen is that you can find someone who you think is amazing (like I did a few times) because of the high level of synchronicity in so many areas, but then you discover (like I also did a few times) that he is still dealing with stuff from his past. A very common example that I can make is self esteem issues – because we all suffer from it. No human being is exempt from self esteem issues. But just how big are those self esteem issues – that’s the question.

So what now…. well, getting back to that loneliness. I’m not scared of it, but admittedly it’s just downright unpleasant when I find myself in it. I’m currently still experimenting with healthy ways to deal with it. Not being fearful of it permitted me the space to realize that what I must not do is to settle (again) ….. Being scared of being alone is the reason why I did that in the past. So even though I’ve dated some really nice guys this year, my intuition is telling me: “if it doesn’t feel right, then don’t pursue it”.

The guys are really lovely fellas but….

One fella did Ironman a bunch of times, very masculine, brimming with testosterone, a very physical oke with a strong kind heart. I’m completely attracted to his sheer determination. And even more attracted to his cheerful demeanor. Whenever we’ve been on a date I’ve noticed how he goes out of his way to say something nice to people – like the cashier or waiter. Sweet guy, people’s person, physically strong. But….

There was another dastardly handsome fella who had me laughing all the time. Quick witted and so smart too, I literally could have conversations with him for hours on end – and we did. He works out of town and almost every night we’d speak on the telephone about various random things for two, three sometimes four hours. He is interested in my opinion and has a kind, benevolent nature just like I do. But…

Then there’s the other fella, who is very tall and super cute in a nerdy kind of a way, and fairly sporty too. Really sweet kind guy with a gentle nature. Calls me Princess 👸🏽 and packed a surprise beach picnic for our second date. I feel completely relaxed when I’m around him, But…

I’m not expecting to find someone perfect because I’m not perfect. Far from perfect – So maybe – I am probably going to settle. Maybe we all have to settle eventually – but my heart is telling me don’t settle Yet. So for now, I’ll eat my broccoli 🥦

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