What is it that I should have been?
What is it that I should have done?
What is it that I should have said or should have thought?…
And So why didn’t I? Or Why couldn’t I? …. or actually could I have? Really….
I started thinking all of this because I’ve just submitted a 10 page article for peer review, for inclusion in a special edition publication of a journal on e-learning (one of my passions). After I submitted, a wave of emotion flooded over me. Yet again, I’ve pulled one of my crazy spontaneous stunts. See I absolutely hate travelling for work (I love travel – but not for work, only for holiday), so at the end of last year when I spotted a call for presenters to talk at an international conference being held right at CPUT #LowHangingFruit, I decided to try and take advantage of it.
For progression in my chosen career I need to present and publish. So on a whim I submitted an abstract. At that point (November last year) I only had an idea for research. My abstract was accepted. Thus in the crazy whirlwind that followed, in-between Christmas holidays, my PhD research and preparing for and starting to present class again, I conducted this bit of research (the idea I had*). The insane part was the deadline – less than three months from idea to finished paper and yet I somehow managed to finish. Now who knows if my paper will be accepted – the reviewers could very possibly decide it’s a shitty paper and toss it. Hopefully, even if they don’t like it, they’ll still let me present and I can at least put that on my portfolio. But whatever happens, once again I tried. I made an effort and I showed up. I put my heart and my energy out there, risking rejection in the name of what I think is good for me = Wave of emotion that follows.
Coming back to answer my questions above…. No, I couldn’t have been anything that I am not.
If I wasn’t a certain way, that was because I couldn’t be that way. I didn’t know how because I wasn’t meant to be that way.
If I didn’t do any particular thing, then I wasn’t ready to have done it – or else I would have done it.
If I attempted something and then failed, that was because I was ready for that lesson, but I was not ready for that thing.
What I thought, what I said and what I did was what I believed at the time was in my best interest to I think, to say and to do at the time when it happened.
I accept that all of me, what I was (how I behaved) and who I am ‘now’, was and is driven by love. Not merely romantic love. Romantic love is one component of greater love, Love for life. In the past it was ‘seeking out’ or trying to ‘preserve’ that love. Now it is accepting that love already lives here. That is simply all that it was and all that there is to it.
So today I make a choice again – to try to not pretend be anyone who I’m not. I choose not to be ashamed of anything that is me. I admit that in the past I have behaved in a way that I perceived was acceptable and pleasing to others, in search of some elusive goal. I’m choosing now to try my level best to only behave only in ways that is acceptable and pleasing to me, and beneficial to the greater good as a life principle henceforth.
There is nothing more favorable to me now, than just being uniquely me. I have one precious life, one precious soul and I will honour it. I will make my own life scared** because I can. To do that in my humble opinion is nothing special – it’s something each and every person can do – make your own life sacred! Don’t wait for someone else to tell you it’s amazing, that you’re good and loved. Be your own best friend and do it yourself.
So I make a note to self: Look around you Bronwyn. See all those lovely things you wanted, all those ‘things’ (belongings, situations even people) that you believed will make you happy. They are lovely yes – some of it. Let’s not deny that, but my love, they are not yours. Some of it was, but is no longer. Some of it never was. And the bittersweet irony is, because of that, you actually are free. To have ‘that’ would cost you a portion of your freedom Bronwyn…. And even worse – a part of your identity in each and every case. Who you are, and what you have, is enough. Sometimes you forget Bronwyn, and when you forget then you say to yourself that you’d willingly pay the price. Today I’m telling you, it’s not worth it. Let’s be kind to us and face our truth, own our reality.
Today I look around me, see all that it is – what it is that I do not have but have fooled myself into believing I should have, and admit to myself that regardless of this, I am a whole, beautiful and a fulfilled human being without that. I don’t have it, I don’t really need it and I am actually still fine. I am happy, because happiness is what remains after you strip away everything that makes you unhappy. That is what it is.
…..Ok so Enough now. Let’s move on and kick ass, I have class again tomorrow.