Alive. Awake. Living.

So this is completely insane. My last post was barely 24hrs ago and was about how overloaded I am with work – another Mission Impossible Deadline, but something just came up and I have to blog about it.

It’s about living. About being alive and present in your life. It’s about being awake. It’s about loving your own self unconditionally – enough to fix any negative experience. It’s about picking up your shit, getting rid of any “I’m a victim” identity and going on.

I’m feeling so strong about this because two weeks ago I was stood up. Had a date with someone and he just never bothered to call to cancel or apologise. I was really excited, I had my hair done for date night and I had an outfit planned and I waited. And waited…… And waited…

He has his reasons… and in the past two weeks I made peace with it. I believe that essentially everyone is just doing what they can to be happy – just trying to love themselves. We can’t be angry at someone for your choosing their own happiness over ours – when it is in fact what we should all be doing. For some reason this was what right for him to do. I don’t believe it was personal – it wasn’t about me. It was about him. I let go. I breathed in, processed my feelings and breathed out. I shed a few tears (let’s be real – rejection always hurts – even if you didn’t want to go that party – if you don’t get an invite, then it stings). Then I continued with my stuff.

So.….. here’s the bit where I get to living – or why being alive is so wonderful and so scary. Unexpectedly someone asked me on a date today. And it’s someone who I really like (and he is someone who is a available – strange but true – at 40 years old that’s a criterion we don’t take for granted). In fact, I didn’t even realise he was asking me out. I read his message and thought he was saying it’s a lovely day for a cocktail on the beach, and I agreed. Only later when I re-read that I saw that he said he wants to take me for a cocktail on the beach. Like whaaaaat…. super super awesome cool.

Now living is scary because it’s getting close to evening time, a little voice in my heart whispered “What if he stands you up too?”. I freeze, but I am brave. I gently, lovingly tell the voice “Go lie back down. This isn’t your party. It is mine. If he does – then he does. And just like the last time, it is not a reflection on me”.

Anyone who does that just shows me that I should not be hanging out with them in any case. So I waxed my legs and painted my toenails a shade of playful baby blue with silver glitter. Tried on my denim shirt dress to see what it would look like with a pair of wedges because he is rather a tall fella.

I won’t let my past experience steal my happiness and joy. And I will deal with whatever when I need to. It’s scary to keep on living – but I owe it to myself to be brave. The destination of my journey is already determined, I have the ticket. I must just jump back on this train.

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I’ve done enough work for the day and listened to enough Christmas Carols today. (Klaar ge-Boney M for the day). Tonight is date night….. Well, take two at least. Let’s see what happens.

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Dala what you must

I shouldn’t be blogging because the truth is I have the most pressing deadline ever – like seriously. But life is feeling beautiful albeit a bit stressful. Can’t explain it, I’m just feeling grateful and remarkably happy despite the stress. And so as I am working on my writing, I am listening to Boney M sing Auld Lang Syne. 😳😱🤭🤫#GuiltyPleasure. My heart is so happy, so I want to capture this moment on my blog.

Back to “Dala what you must” – It’s is colloquialism in my community and my best friends and I use it quite often. It basically means “Do whatever it is that you must do” or “Do whatever you decide you can or must do“. So the phrase can have a positive connotation or a negative one, but generally when we tell each other “Dala what you must” it’s typically when one of us needs to get out of trouble for some or other reason. For me it’s an endearing term.

See I am so over dala’ing my Puh Huh Duh (PhD) project. And I cannot wait to bow down to the universe with gratitude and respect when this is finally done and say Thank You for the lessons that this part of my journey has taught me –  but then also be so glad to be done with writing chapters on Operational Excellence in the Pharmaceutical Industry in South Africa!!!! Yawn…..

I want to get on with my life now. I want to start the next phase. Besides the academic component,  in personal capacity I have grown so much during the time that I have worked on this study. I have gotten to know myself really well, my weaknesses and my flaws. I’ve learnt to love myself, truly unconditionally and deeply. I have finally also learnt to stand up for myself and say an unequivocal No, when something makes me unhappy. And probably the most important is, I have learnt to forgive myself.

So in April this year when my supervisor said “send me your first draft by end of June” and I still hadn’t done my final interviews, I blerrie knew that was practically impossible but I continued working as if I was going to make it.

Then in July she told all her students who were coming to the end of three years (this is a PhD study hey…three years? #SlaveDriverMuchMaybe…. but I push my own self hard too, so I’m  not complaining), to send her all our chapters by 17th August.

And then the 17th August came and I only had chapter one in a presentable format. To explain that – see when you a write a thesis, I would argue that no one in history has ever submitted what they wrote when they started. Yeah, you start writing, then you do literature review and then what you wrote changes, and then you do data analysis, and then what you wrote changes, and then it changes and then changes and then it changes yet again. But I was definitely starting to see my work come together, so I sent her an email and said I’m sorry I didn’t make her deadline. However I asked her permission to send her one chapter per week for the next eight and she said Yes, and I said “Bless you Shalini

And then end of September came around and I still wasn’t done. Admittedly I wasn’t working completely non-stop like I did with my Masters Degree. But the thing is working non-stop on that degree is what led to me being clinically depressed in that year, and so this time I know better and therefore I strove to do better. I continued to be involved with family and friend activities – took days off to celebrate the birthdays of two of my best friends, celebrated my own children’s birthday and hosted a party at home. I engaged in some other research on educational technology and my abstract was accepted to present a paper at the RITAL conference the end of this year – and I was asked to write a chapter in a book that is being published. I even dated a really nice guy for a bit. Busy but balanced? I was learning and growing.

When we know better, we do better- Angelou Maya.

So back to now. Back to my chapters. I sent my supervisor four chapters last night that I am very proud of and I admitted to her that the others aren’t ready yet. The others are about 70% done, but truthfully I’m feeling excited about them. My voice is getting stronger in my writing because I can see what my OpEx Model looks like. And I’m feeling confident about my work and proud of my work. And so she has given me another two weeks, which I am delighted about. I can do this!

So why Auld Lang Syne?… I don’t know… It just makes me feel happy. Doesn’t it make you feel happy?

Dala what you must

Photo Credit: Vannie Kaap (https://shop.vanniekaap.com/collections/vk-mugs/products/dala-what-you-must-2)

 

Go on… You have the power

All that we are arises in our own thoughts. So with our thoughts my dear friends, we are the creators of our world.

The power lies with us…

From: http://whisper.sh/whisper/0549bf80673a4cf75e4a7c379ebb53591cec6a/There-is-nothing-called-as-right-or-wrong-Its-just-perspective-and-j

So it makes sense to invest your energy where your power is doesn’t it – invest the energy in you

Happy Tuesday Beautiful People. Let’s create ourselves a Beautiful World 🌍

Long coloured goodbyes

Goodbyes cause me anxiety and stress. There’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to say hello to my most cherished ones if I know it’s going to lead to a heart-bruising goodbye.

lettinggo5_thumbBut feeling that way means that I am not living in the present – and living in the present is the only way to live, if happiness is your desire.

Still, I am human. I forget. And then I remember again.

Be present, be vulnerable they say, because vulnerability is not a weakness but it’s a measure of courage.  I guess. No, not I guess. It is true.

Who knows hey. Just settle down Bronwyn, says the inner voice. And it reminds me of what Matt Khan said….. “Whatever arises, Love thatJust love that. Even long coloured goodbyes. Yes, Love that.

 

 

Namaskar

🙏🏾 On this beautiful spring morning, one strong beating heart. I am part of this world.

No identity, no background narrative, no defining label.

Not a woman, not a mother, not a child, nor a sister. Not a partner. Not a friend. Not a teacher or a colleague. Not a student. Not a runner, surfer. Not a biker. Not a divorcée or anything else.

Nothing but essence. Just the awareness behind my emotions. Nothing more than the awareness behind my thoughts.

And that is enough.

I am enough.

Riddle me this…

What do an ostrich egg, a Casablanca DVD and a VannieKaap mug have in common?

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….they’re genuinely the most extremely thoughtful gifts anyone has gotten me in a very long time. Life is Sweet. Life is Beautiful. That same person told me life doesn’t stop for you if you need a moment, it goes on. True Story – yes indeed. I do however think if you just relax and go with it, once you get out of white water or the fog, there’ll be an ostrich egg waiting for you on the other side. Now how can anyone not be excited about that!

Dear Brain

Gosh, I’ll start by saying how grateful I am to you. Not only very grateful, I love you. You amaze me all the time with your ability to remember stuff that would seem impossible to remember. You do snapshot comparisons, you contrast and you detect similarities between issues so incredibly quickly. A master at logic you are. That is your function and you do it so very very well. I bow before you.

You have kept me safe. You have gotten me positions and jobs because people have seen how well you work. You are such a very important part of me. But Brain, my dear Brain, I honestly must tell you are a bit of a speed freak. And because you sometimes go so fast you mistakes. Not often, but sometimes when you make a mistake it’s a big one, sometimes with severe consequences.

But Brain, don’t feel bad. I’m not telling you this to upset you. We both know how important you are. I’m telling you this because I have some good news. The news is that you can take a break. You don’t have to work so hard all the time. You have a twin sister. Her name is Heart. She’s here to help you.

You and Heart both have the same intention. She also looks after me and I love her too just like I love you. She’s not as quick to react as you are but she is also very very good at her job. She is more sure of herself and more consistent than what you are, even though she allows you override her often – because she is not as insistent or loud as you are.

Heart is funny too, just like you are. After all, She’s your twin! She mirrors your personality but in a softer way. So don’t worry, she’ll keep us entertained with her antics too. Letting her take over is not a threat to us and don’t be deceived – she’s not a weak as she looks like.

Brain, tonight I can feel you are stressed. Again, the world has put lots of items on your to-do list plus there’s a lot of other things going on around us. But don’t worry Brain. I’m here tonight to tell you that it’s ok for you to let Heart take over for a while. It’s more than ok – because you my dear Brain actually are in need of a rest now. You’re going at 180km/hr now and our whole body is feeling it. We’re feeling a bit shaky and wobbly. You are exhausting us. Let’s give the wheel to your sister, Heart. You take a rest now.

Let’s not worry about sharing the power with her dear Brain. You won’t be completely gone, just in the background for now. And let’s trust her (Heart that is) especially when she says, it really doesn’t matter a darn stitch what is going on around outside of us. We know that you my dear Brain have been trying to control all the negative outside of us, to stop it from hurting us, but tonight she has a very valid point.

Screw the negative outside of us Brain. Hand the wheel over to her and let her stabilize us from the inside. Then no matter what negative is happening on the outside we can go on doing what we all, as whole want to, need to and are meant to do.

Take a rest. Let go. She’s got this.