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Bronwyn Swartz

~ Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

Bronwyn Swartz

Monthly Archives: November 2017

Sometimes…

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, My Adventures, Purely Academic

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Sometimes I get scared.

This scared that I’m referring to is a unique kind of scared. Not unique to me but certainly not the same kinda scared as that kind when you eat seafood at an unknown restaurant, or the scared you feel just before you jump off Lion’s Head to start paragliding.

It’s the kinda scared when you feel excited but extremely fearful at the same time. Because it’s the “I’m growing” kinda scared. I can equate this scared to the feeling when I discovered I was going to be a mother the first time, or the time I left my permanent job and decided to be my own boss. With both those experiences I was frightened so badly that it felt as if my sphincter muscles went into spasm, causing the bowels to release with the result of me soiling my pants (that’s euphemism for a word we all know). I was scared shishless.

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So that’s how I sometimes feel now when I think about where I am on my journey. Not regretful, not remorseful. Feeling a little brave, sometimes a bit worn, tired and lonely but still strong enough. Feeling a bit small, but not insignificant. I need to grow.

These thoughts came about because of the work I’m doing on my PhD – this blog is mainly about my PhD journey after all. But a PhD doesn’t happen in isolation from the rest of one’s life. Besides the PhD, Life is a christmas trifle of events, experiences and feelings. And this is where things get muddy and confusicating in my head.

Fact – the PhD is merely a tool for me to serve a purpose. Like the work I have and do, also only a tool for me to serve a purpose. Or the friendships and relationships that I have – a tool. Even my role as a mother – simply just a tool. I get confused between these tools and my true purpose. My true purpose is to love.

When I give myself enough space, then I remember it’s all about balance. My purpose is my foundation and as I go along building my castle, I sometimes forget about my purpose. I build walls and structures that I either knock down some time later, or they were so structurally unsound that they collapse by themselves some time later anyway.

If I am too focused on the PhD, then I forget about my journey. My splendid beautiful journey, this adventure I am on, called Life. And then there are the times I forget about my purpose – because I am too taken in by Life and the wonderous distractions it has to offer. That’s when this “scared” has an important function. It serves as a reminder for me balance it out. Stop, breath, reconnect the dots and realign.

When I’m feeling that kind of scared, if I go quiet then I hear the little voice inside of me telling me that I can do it. Urging me on. I was created for my purpose – so I have everything that I need, no matter how high or daunting the mountain before me seems.

My mountain at this moment is this model I’m creating for the South African pharmaceutical industry – like for the country. Yah it’s all relative, so to some people that’s like meh whatever, it’s only big in Bronwyn’s mind. We all have our own perspective. To me it’s responsibility, and it is potential. It can be huge. It can be brilliant. And I’m the one in charge.

So I’m scared. I know what I must do. I feel it, but fear grips at my heart. But I’m embracing this scared. I am embracing the uncertainty of what I see and what logic based on facts and probabilities dictates to me. It’s time for me to ignore that. It’s time for me to trust my internal GPS again. True story, it never lets me down.

 

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قدرة

26 Sunday Nov 2017

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Posted by Bronwyn Swartz | Filed under General, My Adventures

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Could this be?…

23 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General, Purely Academic

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So I couldn’t sleep earlier. Had a couple of things on my mind. I’ve just managed to get two tickets for the HSBC Rugby Sevens finals in Cape Town on the 10th… and good tickets at that, but I can’t go because I already have tickets for Majozi at Kirstenbosch. Also I’ve been to Sevens twice before so I’m feeling kinda meh about it anyway. While tossing and turning I decided to rather go to Majozi and donate the rugby tickets to my kids’ school to raffle off at their Food Fair happening on the 1st December.

Then I grappled with thoughts regarding one of my M students who is rather battling at the moment. She is making progress but very slowly. Her writing isn’t always coherent. I think the thoughts and ideas are in her head, but she battles to articulate them academically. That’s something I think all postgrad students – including myself, can relate to. So typically after reviewing just a few paragraphs, I’ll often send her work back to her to rewrite, after having made some changes myself but then eventually deciding it’s actually is her job – since she’s going to get awarded with the Masters Degree afterall.

I feel for her though. It’s an uncomfortable struggle because it’s been almost three years now and she still hasn’t hit the sweet spot. I think there is still hope. I firmly believe just a few more steps and it will come together for her, however I also think she is losing faith. The truth is, there is nothing I can do about that. It’s a fact of life, a philosophical stance I just started adopting but should have a long time ago actually…. sometimes things are just out of one’s control. It’s better to let it go. She has to decide to motivate herself. This is not my monkey to carry, so I am not going to try to hold on or control it.

So then I just tossed and turned thinking about nothing in particular for another few minutes before deciding bugger this, I might as well just get up and work for a bit. My own work has also been progressing – also slowly – but steadily. The end goal has increasingly been coming into focus. The past few weeks I’ve had really solid ideas, and this week it felt to me as if I made ‘first contact’ with what the final product of my work should look like.

I’ve been collecting all the bits and pieces, so tonight just before I attempted to go to bed the first time I printed a process flow of the pharmaceutical manfacturing process so that I could map my thoughts directly onto that printed page later. I’m glad I did, because as I sat down earlier I literally scribbled all the bits and pieces of information I had onto this page, and then used coloured pens to connect my thoughts. It was then that I started seeing what my model is going to look like 😍.

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My supervisor will more than likely want to string me from my toes for openly blogging about my research findings, let alone posting this picture – but I’ll take my chances because I’m feeling rather stoked. And I’m pretty darn sure this makes very little sense to anyone but me in this very rudimentary format. I’m just so proud and happy it actually finally seems like ‘something’ that can work! Loads of work still ahead but let’s take this moment and say ‘Three cheers to perseverance’ Hip Hip hurray. Hip hip hurray ….and the last one Hurray! ☯️👏🏾🥂🍾

Game on!

21 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General

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Thought of the day: The trick is not to compare yourself to anyone, not one single person around you, but not to forget to take in, breathe in and drink up all the beauty of the scenery around you.

Got it Bronwyn?… yeah let’s rock

A message to Monday

13 Monday Nov 2017

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keepcalm-12561b0943a259ac580817eb22770555_smallDear Monday

You kick ass like a girl…

Just saying

Regards

Bronwyn

A case for child protection services?

12 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, Funny, General

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I’d like to tell you the story of our exciting adventure tonight…. the culinary kind🍴🍽🥗🥄

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It started when I announced we’d be going vegan 🌱 for the evening. This announcement was greeted with a barrage of protests, accusations of child neglect, and a threat to report me to child protection services 😃. Gotta love my minions – I guess the saying is true, “the apple(s) don’t fall far from the tree”. Absolutely true viz Attitude^2!

Anyway, despite the protests we prepared dinner, and guess what…. Not too shabby hey. Heck, I think it looked quite amazing 😉

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And wait wait what?…. what is that?…. could it be? ….yes it might be – A smile detected 😁

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Indeed! It was tasty too. We might just do it again me thinks.

Continue reading →

Crafting

08 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in Family and Friends, General, My Adventures, Touchy-Feely Crap

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Ok peeps – so this post is heavy. If you not in the mood for heavy then I strongly recommend you rather skip reading this one. I have a couple of hopefully interesting posts coming up shortly, besides the Bespoke vlog. Gonna write something on tattoo removal (yikes I’m getting that done!… again) and other cool summer vibes. PS_1096_SOMETHING_STUPID

 

I’m sure you’ll enjoy those blog posts. Have a few awesome plans for summer – another murder mystery dinner, more on the Galileo open air cinema I went to last night, an archery lesson coming up etc etc etc. Bring on summer! (Yeah yeah Ok – Some work too :))

 

8 November 2017 – Crafting … that’s what it feels like. I love the word ‘crafting’, because in my mind there is a connotation between crafting and creating something good and beautiful.

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Two nights ago, Monday 6 November was particularly significant to me. That the day that I decided to surrender and separate the anxiety derived as a consequence of my past from my current identity. That is not the same as surrendering pain, Nope. Forgiveness is surrendering pain – surrendering the past – well that is something different.

Few months ago I surrendered pain. I forgave. That was good for healing. So the start of healing took place – and yet on Monday I realised there is still something holding me back from fully embracing my future. I was holding on to my ‘history’ as an integral part of my present-time identity. Through nothing other than grace, I started realising that for me, this can no longer work. Certainly not in light of the aspirations of the future that I have for myself. 150848-crafting-quotes-and-sayings

Thus, I am mentally excising my (what I regard as painful) history from my present and my future. In a nutshell – whatever events has happened to me previously from as early as childhood, and whatever I have thought, said or even did in the past is not part of my identity any longer. I am crafting a new me. The ‘new me’ is based on all the lessons I have picked up along the way in the past, but without giving that past any credit (memory) or importance in my life, and who I am today. All the negatives that happened in my life before this particular moment shall have no share of my current identity.

See I forgave people who I felt wronged me – some deliberate and some of it sincerely unintentional. But that was not enough though. I know some people did not mean to hurt me – what happened was more about them than about me. And in 2017, I also discovered I had deep seated self-esteem issues related to my relationship with my mother. This sort of shaped my personality and is partly the reason I have been so rebellious my whole life. It’s partly the reason why I have sought approval in places and from people (including previous partners) that I did not need to do. #WorkInProgress.imagesN1N27V3U

After I identified this, I worked through other issues – seemingly failed moments in my life. Then I did the next  important thing, – I forgave myself and I started truly loving myself and working toward filling my own needs. This feels really really good. Owning my own sense of worth.

2017 has been a struggle. But I guess a good struggle?…, I had to deal with painful situations, some related to my studies – but most of it related to myself. About 50% related to relationship stuff and 50% related to discovering myself. True story – the 50% related to relationship stuff would never have come about or transpired the way they did if I had investing more time in me in the first place. Dumb ass girl –  But no regrets. I think we only ready to do what we do when ready. 

During the above-mentioned time, I picked up skills such as identifying emotions and using my feelings to guide my thoughts, listening to my inner voice and gaining strength from that. On Monday, by doing this, it dawned on me, that all the forgiveness (of others and of myself), the letting go of the pain and the exercise of loving myself and others regardless, is completely useless if I don’t surrender the association between that that happened (and the ‘healed me’) from my current ‘identity’. Whatever is done is done – thinking about, remembering it, or using it to direct decisions in my future is rubbish. Tired of it so I’m tossing my history. All of it. Serves me no longer.untitled.png

Happiness Everyone. Seven more weeks before the end of the year, and I feel like rocking it. Let’s have ourselves a kick ass glorious summer!

 

Shameless plug

02 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General

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It’s night time and I’m sitting in the braai room doing a bit of work, but looking outside the big glass sliding doors from time to time. I can’t see stars because it’s cloudy and rainy – though every now and then I see a flashes of lightning. I hear the thunder and the rain coming down. I also hear the strong wind. And it’s so warm, yet it doesn’t feel humid to me. This weather is simply amazing – Gosh I am totally loving Cape Town’s current weather right now. As I’m sitting here experiencing the sights and sounds I have this funny fuzzy warm feeling in my tummy. And no…. it has nothing to do with the dinner I had earlier. Just a sense of being happy.

Ahhh but wait, there’s another Capetonian variable that might be adding to this mood. Listening to my new found crush – Craig Lucas at the moment. Gosh, he is such a cutie pie but more than that: What acoustic aptitude! Man, this boy is so very talented. I am in love.

So like, I don’t watch TV, therefore I missed that he was on the TV show called The Voice. But I heard him on the radio few weeks ago. Not only was I surprised to discover he is South African, he is Capetonian and from none other than Elsies River (one of my neighbouring suburbs!). Have a listen…

Another great local artist. I’m extremely and seriously impressed. I really hope he goes places…

For now though I’m quite happy that he is rounding off a delightfully charming rainy thundery blustery warm Thursday evening for me. #It’sAllAboutMe

 

Here you go Margaret… You can have your tiara back 👸🏽

01 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by Bronwyn Swartz in General

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Guess what peeps… the latest update of WhatsApp was developed with me in mind!

https://www.google.co.za/amp/amp.ewn.co.za/2017/11/01/whatsapp-finally-allows-users-to-recall-messages-sent-by-mistake

Awesome super Rocking cool. I haven’t made a blups like that one which happened just short of a year ago again: What would Margaret do? 

If I do now though, I’m very comforted to know, that I have seven minutes to fix my bad 👌🏾🙌🏾🌺🦋🌈💃🏾💯🎉🥇 Hurray to WhatsApp

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