Ok peeps – so this post is heavy. If you not in the mood for heavy then I strongly recommend you rather skip reading this one. I have a couple of hopefully interesting posts coming up shortly, besides the Bespoke vlog. Gonna write something on tattoo removal (yikes I’m getting that done!… again) and other cool summer vibes.
I’m sure you’ll enjoy those blog posts. Have a few awesome plans for summer – another murder mystery dinner, more on the Galileo open air cinema I went to last night, an archery lesson coming up etc etc etc. Bring on summer! (Yeah yeah Ok – Some work too :))
8 November 2017 – Crafting … that’s what it feels like. I love the word ‘crafting’, because in my mind there is a connotation between crafting and creating something good and beautiful.
Two nights ago, Monday 6 November was particularly significant to me. That the day that I decided to surrender and separate the anxiety derived as a consequence of my past from my current identity. That is not the same as surrendering pain, Nope. Forgiveness is surrendering pain – surrendering the past – well that is something different.
Few months ago I surrendered pain. I forgave. That was good for healing. So the start of healing took place – and yet on Monday I realised there is still something holding me back from fully embracing my future. I was holding on to my ‘history’ as an integral part of my present-time identity. Through nothing other than grace, I started realising that for me, this can no longer work. Certainly not in light of the aspirations of the future that I have for myself.
Thus, I am mentally excising my (what I regard as painful) history from my present and my future. In a nutshell – whatever events has happened to me previously from as early as childhood, and whatever I have thought, said or even did in the past is not part of my identity any longer. I am crafting a new me. The ‘new me’ is based on all the lessons I have picked up along the way in the past, but without giving that past any credit (memory) or importance in my life, and who I am today. All the negatives that happened in my life before this particular moment shall have no share of my current identity.
See I forgave people who I felt wronged me – some deliberate and some of it sincerely unintentional. But that was not enough though. I know some people did not mean to hurt me – what happened was more about them than about me. And in 2017, I also discovered I had deep seated self-esteem issues related to my relationship with my mother. This sort of shaped my personality and is partly the reason I have been so rebellious my whole life. It’s partly the reason why I have sought approval in places and from people (including previous partners) that I did not need to do. #WorkInProgress.
After I identified this, I worked through other issues – seemingly failed moments in my life. Then I did the next important thing, – I forgave myself and I started truly loving myself and working toward filling my own needs. This feels really really good. Owning my own sense of worth.
2017 has been a struggle. But I guess a good struggle?…, I had to deal with painful situations, some related to my studies – but most of it related to myself. About 50% related to relationship stuff and 50% related to discovering myself. True story – the 50% related to relationship stuff would never have come about or transpired the way they did if I had investing more time in me in the first place. Dumb ass girl – But no regrets. I think we only ready to do what we do when ready.
During the above-mentioned time, I picked up skills such as identifying emotions and using my feelings to guide my thoughts, listening to my inner voice and gaining strength from that. On Monday, by doing this, it dawned on me, that all the forgiveness (of others and of myself), the letting go of the pain and the exercise of loving myself and others regardless, is completely useless if I don’t surrender the association between that that happened (and the ‘healed me’) from my current ‘identity’. Whatever is done is done – thinking about, remembering it, or using it to direct decisions in my future is rubbish. Tired of it so I’m tossing my history. All of it. Serves me no longer.
Happiness Everyone. Seven more weeks before the end of the year, and I feel like rocking it. Let’s have ourselves a kick ass glorious summer!