I haven’t blogged in like forever. There is like so much that has happened – at times, I thought about blogging – but just trying to find the words to say what I am feeling felt overwhelming, and in a weird kind of a way; I feel that as I am getting older, I am slightly more private?

Is this even a thing?

I’ve had my nose to the ground (nose to the grindstone?). My entire focus has been my work. It’s not a secret that I am chasing a professorship. And also no secret that I have practically (literally) been consumed by this. I run less because I work more. I hardly watch TV, haven’t been to the movies in months, and almost never go out with friends. The only thing that I haven’t sacrificed is my family. I’ve prioritized them. But even then, it is a struggle for me.

I have a very close relationship with my family – even more so, as expected, I am very close to my children. However Josh and Micaiah are more grown up (more on the “grown-up” side now) – most of the time doing their own thing. So when we go away as an extended family, there was a little part of me that feels frustrated because I have to pull myself away from work. I don’t move into “relax mode” very easily. In fact, I don’t do it naturally. The only thing, or rather person, that grounds me (and I mean no disrespect to any of my other family members), is Bailey. Spending time with Bailey that is. Bailey forces me to be present. And he is growing up so quickly. When I am with him, the rest of the world disappears. When I am with him, I prioritize him.

And I feel guilty saying this. I don’t think it’s the way I should live my life. For now though I accept that it is, what it is. I am doing what I am doing to secure a better life for Josh and Micaiah, and my family understand that? My friends too… doesn’t everyone feel this way? At the same time I find myself in this weird, competitive environment at work, and I am scared that if I don’t keep up, I am going to be left behind. And at the end of the day, I am working for a better life for us all, no? If I am in a stronger financial position…

As I am writing this it really sounds ridiculous – left behind how Bronwyn?

Working myself to a standstill virtually – so that I become a professor for better prospects for Josh and Micaiah… Wait let me say that again, I am working myself to standstill to become a professor for better prospects for Josh and Micaiah. Does that even make sense?

It feels like I’m dancing on a line of insanity. It seems insane. Will it stop if I am given a professorship? A recent conversation I had with two people who know me well suggested not. They said, because of my personality I’ll keep going?

It’s not sustainable.

And here’s the kicker, my relationship with my friends and business partners has become distant, and things have literally fallen by the wayside. In fact one of my business partners has now requested to leave our business. A similar thing happened with my two closest friends – one of them pulled out of the group.

It’s nothing directly to do with what I am doing. Had I been more present, I am not sure if there would have been anything that I could have done to stop it – Maybe – maybe not. As I drove to work today, I was thinking about it. I see my role, the choices I’ve made. What I am deciding to sacrifice. I can’t undo the past. Is it worth it for me? Hhmmmmm, if I had the chance to do it over again, maybe slightly different but I think I would still prioritize what I have prioritized. I have my goal in sight.

My goal still feels like a good goal for me. So I’m just pausing briefly to look around me. I’m looking at what is happening. And deciding, to let go and let come. In memory of Bespoke and the Din-dins. I have to trust the journey.