So the year started off with a bang… I guess. Tony’s kids were to spend the summer holidays with us, however on the 31st December, Tony’s ex-wife said he should keep the kids.

And just like that, whether I am open to it or not, my life – as I know it – is changed. 47 year old me knows that resistance = suffering, so resisting is not wise or even logical. 47 year old me also knows that taking on three young kids (5yrs, 12yrs and 15yrs) is a hell of an adjustment.

I couldn’t even imagine how it must feel for them. Their world was just flipped upside down. They left home thinking they’re visiting their dad for a holiday – only to be told two weeks later, they’re not going home again. I know Tony had mixed feelings – happy and anxious about the change. Then there’s me and my kids that this also impacts.

My instinctual reaction is hell no, I didn’t sign up for this. When Josh was 6 and Micaiah 4, their dad and I separated. Now at the ages of 22 and 20, they are blossoming and I could not be more proud and grateful. But it was not easy. While the reward was worth the effort, there are sacrifices that come with raising kids. And the sacrifices are huge. I’m going to say something possibly controversial now, but it’s kinda like chemotherapy – the results or the outcome is amazing – absolutely so very worth it. But the price…. It comes at a price.

Raising them, I got a lot of help from my parents who helped babysit when I went back to varsity to study part time. The Parentals also looked after them when I worked late. I wanted to change the kids’ school because I couldn’t keep up with school fees but they stepped in and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Their words were “we doing this for our grandkids – not for you”. They helped me transport the kids when I wasn’t available due to having to work. But mostly, I shouldered the lion’s share of responsibility. Without trying to throw shade at Gerald, I know that I shouldered more than their dad. I believe that Gerald would also openly agree with me – the proverbial Buck stopped with me.

And we did it. We did ok. Heck, more than ok. We did great and I did it with them. Clothing and feeding them. Transporting them. Extra lessons and extra murals. Homework, school projects and paying for tutors. Medical stuff related to kids. Birthday parties, play dates and socials. School socials and fundraisers. Teaching them both how to drive…. Yes that was me.

The emotions that come with being teenagers and figuring out with them how to regulate while regulating my own emotions. Changing jobs, being unemployed, and working three jobs to cover the bills. Part time studies. Broken car and borrowing a car to get them places. Tucking them in at night. Waking up early to beat the morning traffic. Movie dates and minion weekends. Spiders, magic and tantrums. Helping them choose subjects, then change subjects. Looking for schools to do an extra subject. Paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork. Covering books…good heavens. That was the worst every year. And their dad simply said that he can’t do it because he is not good at it. Impromptu road trips. Excursion over school holidays. River rafting. One ply toilet paper. School concerts and award ceremonies. Single parent at school meetings. Did I say doing homework? Helping them prepare for exams. Waking up earlier during exam time to make a cooked breakfast so that they ready for exams. Helping them navigate teenage drama with friends. Getting my PhD. Lockdown. Self-harming and coming out. Matric exams and Matric ball. University fees. Matric ball and Matric exams again! Medical co-payments. More university fees. Watching horror movies for fun. Baking cupcakes. First girlfriends. First and second breakups. All my breakups. Cancer treatment. Inside jokes. Choosing them and making choices about my life based on what was good for them over and over and over again. They were the priority. I had to work for them first. What I wanted was secondary to what they needed. Period.

And now finally, they almost don’t need me anymore! Freedom yay….. freedom….not? Don’t I deserve it yet?

It’s comforting that Tony understands. He gets it. When he moved in, he experienced my devotion to my babies first-hand. By the time he moved in, Josh and Micaiah were older but not totally independent. And although Tony stayed with us, there was nothing related to them, that was expected of him, for example, they still couldn’t drive and in between myself, their dad, Uber or my mom we made a plan.

So now getting back to the present, here we are, with this that the universe has presented to us. We’ve had talks between me and my kids and Tony and his kids and Tony and I. And a few “family meetings” – with Tony and I and my kids and his kids, and as a result of our CODESAs, we’re going to give this staying together as one big family a bash. There are mixed feelings – some anxiety but I think mostly we’re feeling dare I say positive? all thinking maybe this might actually work out ok. Even the cats are all more relaxed around the younger kids now. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get this right. It’s certainly starting to feel more normal, albeit very different. Change is scary, but change is necessary for growth. #BlendedFamily