This is something I wrote in June 2024 when I was about to apply for Ad Hominem promotion at CPUT. At the time, I wasn’t sure about publishing it. Fearful, scared I would be judged. I’m feel more grounded now, (I think getting that AP job offer from UJ among other things helped) – so I’m more confident about nailing my colours to the wall – it’s a piece about recognizing toxic environments….or maybe rather, toxic habits or traits in myself!

I want to talk about addiction. I have to come clean—I never formally studied the theory of addiction. I first heard about it in passing during a dinner conversation with a colleague, just like I heard about the theory of resilience today over tea. (Side note: resilience isn’t a trait; it’s a process. Researchers study it by tracking whether a person follows a predefined process, leading to three different ‘levels’ of resilience. Fascinating stuff.) Anyway let’s get back on topic… where were we, with addiction right?

It’s about 3:30 a.m., and my eyes flew open ten minutes ago. I slept well, went to bed early (9 p.m.), and had a full day of meetings—online and face-to-face—stretching from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. After that, I briefly caught up with Tony and the kids, brushed my teeth, and called it a night.

But for some unknown reason (maybe because I’m simply done sleeping), a thought I had caused me to wake up, and my mind immediately latched onto my to-do list. It feels overwhelming again—even though I worked hard from March to May, meeting deadlines, writing two papers, and submitting two proposals, so I could take it easier for the rest of the year.

I can’t even remember what the thought was that woke me up. But I remember how it made me feel—an immediate, visceral sense of fear and dread. That’s crazy, right? I shouldn’t be waking up at 3 a.m., my first thought about work triggering a fight-or-flight response. Yet, here I am.

My gut reaction? I need to get out of this job. But is it really my job? Or is it me doing this to myself?

Breaking this cycle isn’t easy. And this is where I see the connection to addiction…

Before I continue on the topic of addiction, I’d like to sketch a little bit of background for the context I find myself in – The university just released the call for Ad Hominem promotion. Those of us who plan to apply must submit a portfolio of evidence, which a panel will scrutinize to decide if we meet the criteria for advancement. I’ll be applying for a promotion from Senior Lecturer to Associate Professor.

The problem? I don’t know if my portfolio is good enough.

Some things are in place—I have research output, but I don’t meet all the criteria. My H-index is only 5 (not above 6, as required). I haven’t graduated any PhD students, just master’s students. I’m self-funding my research but haven’t secured big externally funded grants for the university. And from evaluating teaching portfolios for Teaching Excellence Award purposes I also know it’s not always about what you’ve done, it’s sometimes about the way you’ve written it up!

As I submit my application, I know the best approach is to detach from the outcome. Apply, but don’t take the result personally. But that’s easier said than done.

So getting back to the topic of addiction, a colleague recently told me that addiction often stems from an unmet need. And I totally get that. At different points in my life, I was dependent on alcohol and cigarettes. Back then, they were crutches—coping mechanisms. It took a long time but as my circumstances changed, I let go of them naturally, without anyone forcing me.

The pain I was numbing somehow eased, and I no longer needed those toxic habits. I still don’t fully understand what that pain was (I suspect it was related to my sense of self esteem), but I know this: once it lessened, I didn’t crave alcohol or cigarettes anymore.

Now, when I think about work, I feel something eerily similar—like it’s a ‘substance’ that I can’t put down – even though I know it’s affecting me in ways that aren’t healthy. I have to take a moment to let that sink in…. Work looks like it’s good for me but is it really? Is it the work Bronwyn? – or is it you that’s addicted to work? Has it just become another crutch to make me feel better about my life situation – my sense of self-worth or esteem? And in terms of the work – is it really about “the work” or “what others think/feel/say about the work?”

Wait, what? what others think and not what I think? Sounds like putting on a show doesn’t it? – a dog and pony show. In the words of our former president JZ, for who? For what? For why?

I look around, and I see so many academics that seem to be caught in the same cycle—some chasing grants, others chasing publications, others chasing titles or status, all of us chasing something. It’s like a tidal wave, sweeping everyone in its path. I wonder, do they feel like I do?

Earlier this year, I admired a colleague who seemed immune to all of this. She told me none of it mattered. I thought, wow I want to be like that.

Then, two days ago, she asked me to review her portfolio—for her Ad Hominem application. No one is immune? I don’t know her reasons, and I’m not judging her. I’m just battling to tell the wood from the trees at the moment.

It would be easy to say, just walk away. Quit the job. Remove the trigger. That’s what addiction recovery often suggests—avoid the environment that leads to relapse.

But I don’t think quitting is the answer.

This isn’t about bravado or pushing through until I burn out. I think it’s about boundaries. Identifying the ‘lines of insanity’ before I cross them. Figuring out what I’m trying to feed with my work addiction.

Because if I can see the game for what it really is—a dog and pony show—then maybe I can stop playing it on autopilot.