With reference to romantic relationships, for the longest time I’ve been saying that love is not enough. You can be deeply in love, but love alone is not going to keep you together. Pragmatically, there are all sorts of variables that come into play: whether you have kids and/or your partner has kids; if so, the ages of those kids; the influence of an ex; religious considerations; financial realities; and arguably most important, values. In my mind, the list goes on and on.

Then, on Sunday the 14th of December, while out on a morning run on the Cliff Path in Hermanus, Tony slowed down when we reached bench number six and popped the question. Of course, my answer was yes — as long as we finished our run. Jokes aside, on the way back home I asked him, “So what’s the plan now?” And he admitted that he hadn’t thought beyond asking me to marry him.

Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about why one would even get married. The thing I told him on Sunday is that I’m not marrying him for a “happily ever after.” I’m marrying him because it feels organic to move into the next stage of our lives. No butterflies. No fireworks. Just vibes — and a partner to drink G&Ts with.

My pondering continued. Why does anyone get married? And more specifically, why would Tony and I? In true academic form, I want to propose a theoretical framework — five or six factors, or lenses, through which to understand my own motivations. Ostensibly, people get married for one or two or more of five reasons. Sometimes a few, but at least one.

The first, and most common in my part of society, is to raise or support a family unit. This is so pervasive that many people simply assume this is why everyone gets married. Well-meaning, perhaps, but deeply ignorant when applied universally — especially in my situation. Tony is a dad with three relatively young children. I am a woman who, by my own account, has successfully raised two children. So surely it makes sense that we should get married for that reason, right? No. Wrong. That’s simply not what I want.

I encounter this constantly… the surprise, the shock, even the horror, when I tell people I’m not interested in being heavily invested in raising Tony’s children. I’m quite happy to be an aunty. For many people, this is deeply unsettling to hear. The reactions have ranged from people offering to ‘take the kids’ themselves, to reassuring me that ‘things might change in the future.’ The bias is extraordinary.

The second reason people get married is for financial security. Together they can be building an empire. Or one stays home to look after kids while the other financially provides. Or it’s just financially viable for whatever reason for both partners. That’s also not the case for Tony and me. I’m not going to support him financially. I don’t need to, and I won’t. I have two children whom I would rather enrich. That feels like my duty and responsibility. My now-adult children were there long before Tony, and that’s simply the reality of meeting your partner later in life, once you’re already established. And I certainly don’t need any financial support from Tony. So that’s another box ticked as irrelevant.

The third reason on my list is social status. Royal families have done this for centuries, and many cultures, Indian families, for example, engage in this quite openly. In my own social context, it exists too. People admire and respect those who marry celebrities or prominent figures. On a micro level, most of us do this early on: we date the popular kid, the good-looking kid, or the kid with some special talent, and by association, our own social standing rises.

Now, Tony has a PhD. He’s incredibly funny, social, and popular at work and among friends. A local celebrity in the Department of Food Science and Technology, I call him. I’m not as funny as he is, but I’m respected and socially secure in my own right. I’ve built my own social capital. So this isn’t it for us either. Another irrelevant tick box.

The fourth reason I could think of is religious fulfilment. Anyone who knows Tony and me knows that this is definitely not our reason. We’ve been quite comfortably ‘living in sin’ for the past four years. 😱

The fifth reason people get married is simply that they enjoy being together. In Tony’s and my case, we genuinely do. He is kind to me, and he says I’m kind to him ….most of the time. We have our ups and downs, but we talk. And we talk. And we talk some more. We speak hard truths and soft truths. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the funny. There’s a level of respect that grows into admiration, which then turns into physical ease around one another.

This made me wonder whether there might be a sixth reason people get married: physical intimacy. But in Tony’s and my case, without communication there would be no physical intimacy. So we’re certainly not getting married for that. Which leads me to ask: at its most basic level, is what I’m describing simply called love?

Am I saying that we won’t stay together to raise a family, or build wealth, or enhance social status, or fulfil religious expectations, or even for sex? We’ve spoken about all of this. In doing so, we made our expectations and boundaries explicit. We’ve come to an agreement that none of these I’ve just mentioned, are strong enough bonds for us… reasons for us to stay together. Instead, we will stay together simply because we love each other.

Ultimately, then, love is enough.

And then, so like because wow, here I am, rewriting my old narrative — proverbially flipping the script. I’ve always said that love is not enough. But now I see that love can be enough. Love is enough, if you have courage too. Courage to speak about what matters to you. Courage to name your non-negotiables. And the grace to accept certain truths about your partner, with the expectation that your partner extends the same grace to you. This builds trust, which in turn yields more courage to keep doing the same. Day by day, week by week, month, year…

And yet… oh darn it. Love is not enough!

So, I currently have a sourdough obsession. Gillian Liezil Berry planted the seed when she told me about her sourdough baking escapades in Singapore, and I was inspired to try 🤩

The executive summary is I bought bread flour and water, fed it for about two weeks (Should have been one week but because I was feeding every two days instead of one, it took longer) And tardah, the starter was ready

Literally kids, all you need is a jar, two teaspoons of water and two teaspoons of flour, mix and let it stand. 24 hours later- or as in my case, when you remember, you discard half and repeat the process. After about the 4th day you feed your starter every 12 hours – if you remember. 7 days later, or 10 days later or 14 days later you have a sourdough starter. And boof, Bob’s your uncle. You ready to bake bread.

Once you’re into the groove of baking, you don’t need to make a new starter each time. You simply start feeding your starter about two days before you want to bake. I keep my starter in the fridge until I’m ready. Take out the fridge about two days before I bake. And 24hours later it comes back to life.

Now the bread making process really has lots of steps – but it’s a routine. So step by step, let’s go….

Step 1: Mixing bowl and 375ml water

Take out your mixing bowl, add a cup and a half (325ml) water. I tend to use cooled boiled water but since you’re baking the bread I’m sure you could use tap water or bottled water for this.

Step 2: Add about 100 -200ml of fresh gooey sticky starter to the water and mix into a milky looking solution

Step 3: Then add about 500g flour. If you want some texture, add 400g white bread flour and 100g whole grain flour. Do not use cake flour. I can’t explain the science behind it, but in layman’s terms it’s has to do with the strength – capacity to build gluten needed to support the structure of the bread.

Step 4: Mix that. Once mixed (you can use a hand held dough wand – I’ve seen those on YouTube videos, although I just mostly prefer to use my hands) you’ll have a sticky mixture that threatens to stick to your hands but comes off without much difficulty when you wash.

Step 5: Let it rest for 30 minutes to draw water

Step 6: Add a half teaspoon salt and mix again. Notice that the dough is not so gooey anymore. Letting it rest drew that water into the flour and it’s slightly more pliable. I’ve learned that if it’s too pliable at this stage, you’ll still get a great tasting bread, however it won’t have lots of holes in it. I personally love the holes.

(I forgot to make another short video – but basically just worked the salt in with some water)

Steps 7 to 10: So then we let it rest for thirty minutes before doing some stretches and folds. The dough will be rather sticky to touch, so it’s useful to wet your hands before performing this. To do a pull and fold position the bowl with the dough in front of you and at about the 1 o clock position pull on the dough – that is pull it outwards and upwards. Then take the end that just stretched and put it on the 7 o clock position. Now take the bowl with the dough and rotate the bowl so that the 1 o clock position it now at 4 o clock. (And the old 10 o clock position is the new 1 o clock). Keep repeating this step (3 more times) until the old 1 o clock is back in the 1o clock position and then flip the dough upside down. This is one step – that is, Step 7. Do this exact same thing, i.e. starting with letting the dough rest 3 more times (Steps 8 to 10).

Please take note, if you need to add flour to help make the dough manageable then by all means do. With each one of these steps the dough will become slightly more pliable. This is due to gluten formation, which simultaneously gives the bread structure. As far as possible try to keep the dough as sticky (wet) as you can if you want to bread to rise significantly. The more pliable the bread is (the more like play dough) the less it will rise. Don’t fret though if your dough is pliable, it will rise somewhat and it will be tasty but it will not be as airy.

Step 11. After your 4th stretch and fold, let the dough rest another 30minutes and then we start shaping it by taking it out of the bowl it’s in and dropping it onto the counter. At this stage your dough should be pulling away from the sides of the bowl, without much difficulty. If it’s not, then your dough is too sticky. If too sticky, I add a bit of flour but I’m careful not to add too much. In videos I’ve seen, the experts don’t need to put flour on the counter, however I still find it useful to flour my counter.

I think the trick to successful sour dough is figuring out the right amount of sticky vs pliable. I’m still playing around to find just the right balance – combination of sticky and pliable.

Then, to build tension (so that the dough will rise) and start shaping the dough, pull on all the sides of the dough, as if you’re making a squarish pancake shape. Once my square pancake shaped dough is spread out on the counter, I imagine it as three columns in front of me. I take the right column and fold it over the middle column. I then take the left column and fold it over the middle column. So now only the middle column remains because I put the right and left column on top of the middle column. I then start rolling the dough kinda the way that one would roll up a sleeping bag – or roll up your clothes when you packing a suitcase about to travel. With each roll, I tuck the dough in on itself, kind of patting it to get a bit of a round shape going. And after it’s completely rolled up, I roll it around some more with my dough knife.

Step 12. I now take my bowl (the empty bowl that the dough was in) and cover my dough and let it rest for thirty mins. It’s starts to puff out a bit. While resting I prepare my proofing container. If you have a banaton basket you can use that. I don’t have one, so I just use a clean dish towel and a Tupperware bowl, the same size as my mixing bowl.

Step 13. After the dough has rested for about 30 minutes it’s time for the final shaping step, which is to build tension and shape the dough. To do this I lift the container covering it and first kind of fold it into itself with the bread knife. Then I lift the dough off the counter top and place it into itself my ‘makeshift banaton basket’. This will be the proofing container. Once in the proofing container I start pinching the edges and folding the pinched edges into the centre of the dough. This is intended to build tension in the dough. I’m not 100% sure what the science is behind that – however I suspect it’s related to the bread raising.

Step 14 : Now we allow the bread to proof in the fridge for between 12 to 16 hours

Step 15: After fridge proofing, the bread is ready to be baked. To start the process, when we ready to bake we heat the oven to about 220 degrees Celsius (About 430 degrees Fahrenheit). I then prepare my baking container – I use a clay pot with a lid. Gilly uses a cast iron pot. Either or any other, as long as it’s an ovenproof container with a lid I think you should be fine. I then sprinkle some flour in the clay pot and put it into itself the oven and wait until the temperature of oven and clay pot get to 220 degrees.

Step 16: Once everything is 220 degrees I get a huge ice cube of of the freezer and keep it on standby. I use the ice cube to create a Dutch oven in the clay pot. I then remove the clay pot and toss the ice cube in it. I then tip the bread over into the pot, place the lid on it and then bake for about 30 to 35 minutes.

Step 17: After 35 mins we open up and remove the lid. Then lover the temperature to 180 degrees Celsius (360 degrees Fahrenheit) and bake for another 15 to 20 minutes

Step 18: Remove from oven (optionally remove from baking dish) and let it cool down completely before cutting into it. Apparently it become gummy if you cut into it before it’s fully cooled down.

Step 19: Enjoy your homemade sourdough bread 🥖

So I found this really old post. I keep telling myself I want to blog more often and I start drafting posts, then I forgot to post. This was one of them. A post I drafted almost two years ago! So let’s rewind quickly – February 2023…

Gosh I love that phrase from one of my favourite movies… The King and I. I not only love that phrase, I love that movie.

There is soooooo much to report on since my last blog post.

So I’ll get right to it, but I’ll try to keep it short. REAL short.

Most important right now, is I am done with radiation therapy!!! Do I hear a whoop WHOOP for me 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾. Ok radiation isn’t as bad as the dreaded chemotherapy is but still. I was three weeks of treatment. I am Beyond grateful that it’s done.

While the radiation itself wasn’t bad, the side effects after radiation was quite hectic. I believe mine wasn’t as bad as what it could be, but even though mine wasn’t bad, two weeks after radiation some of the skin on my breast is still discoloured and some even peeled off. OUCH!

Then, another great adventure was Stardust. For Tony, Toni, Tones’es bday we went to Stardust, where your waiter/waitress is actually the entertainment too! Wow, what an amazing experience. Highly recommended. A little bit pricey but worth it. The singing was top top notch – excellent really – and food was really good 😋 yummylicious

Shortly after (few days after) I met up with Mel and Berty for an amazing Din Din (Dinner Club) experience at MoJO market. The last time we met up for dinner club was just before lockdown…. 16 Match 2020 (the day Bailey was born!) to be precise. It was sooo good to hang out with them again. We have seen each other since, but not “as dinner club”. That highlight the importance of keeping one’s autonomy to me. I love Tony dearly, but let’s face it, we all need time with our friends to recalibrate from time to time.

Then, about three weekends ago, Tony and I pickled off to Gansbaai. It was a Christmas gift from him and what a lovely gift it was! We stayed at a place called Sea Staff Cliff and started the weekend with bubbles and chocolate.

Then we went exploring some caves and engulfed in a bit of fine dining. I highly recommend The Blue Goose and Eileen’s Seafood Paradise. Delicious fare! Eileen’s is value for money, a cosy easy eatery. The Blue Goose is delicious food and it feels like a worthwhile treat.

The caves were really something else.

The week after that we went paragliding off Signal Hill

And the last week, was my cousin Michelle’s wedding. I danced so much that my feet hurt 💃🏾

And today was yet another significant event…. It was the first official ‘road race’ since my rehab and cancer treatment. It felt good to be back on the road, running in a race again.

Then I made delicious (eggless) corn fritters today. Can’t wait to trial them with Bailey and André. They were quite delicious- even if I must say so myself. And so easy to make. Only one cup of fresh corn kernels, half a cup of self raising flour, half a cup of corn flour and a third of a cup of desiccated coconut. Shallow pan fried in some sunflower oil with a splash of sesame oil.

And finally, my hair and eyebrows are back. I am beyond happy about that. I’m feeling good, feeling strong and self-confident again. Yes, it feels good to feel like Bronwyn again 😎

So this post is long overdue. And as always, I feel a bit pressed for time. I’ve been meaning to share this video though, which was the result of me being on the TAU fellowship program last year and for the first six months of this year

We are at the point where we’re waiting to hear if the reports on the projects we’ve done are good enough to for us to be officially accepted as TAU fellows.

Either way, after making this short video, I think if things don’t work out for me, I might have a budding career is acting;) 🎭

Or maybe not!

In 2021 in an online Woman’s Day webinar, I heard a saying that struck a deep chord with me – it was “Find your vibe, and you’ll attract your tribe”. Yes…

I’ve been a really bad blogger, so there’s a couple of things- good and bad – that I probably should have blogged about to keep an accurate record of what’s happening in my world. Anyway, I know instead of beating myself up about it, now is as good as any to try to ‘catch up’.

One of the auspicious things that happened last year is that I attracted my tribes. My people, I am not sure if I have the words to explain it, but I’ll try.

The first group are the IEC – The Innovative Engineering Curriculum project team.

https://iecurricula.co.za/index

https://iecurricula.co.za/workshop_series_6

I had heard about the IEC previously (2021/22) and attended a workshop they offered when they had just formed – but then things went a bit pear-shaped, and I had to deal with cancer treatment, so the rest of the world – including the IEC, faded into the background.

I am extremely pleased that, fast forward to 2023, the group leader reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to collaborate. Of course, that wasn’t even a question! See the thing is, the role I’m in at CPUT (FEBE L&T Coordinator) is a pretty lonely role. There’s only one of me per faculty in the institution- and that being said each of us does slightly different things (have slightly different responsibilities) in our respective faculties.

So when I met up with Lelanie Smith that first time, I jumped when she offered me a spot on the team. It certainly wasn’t for noble reasons – it was purely to co-opt the help I needed to get the job done. But then as I started working with them, and the more I got to know them, and the more they held a space for me and I for them, the more I fell in love. My tribe. My kinda people. We share articles and video clips about teaching strategies and read about learning styles and types of assessment for fun! And now I want to keep on giving because, it simply feels right. Although it wasn’t love at first sight, it’s high quality love. The kind that you treasure, cherish and nurture.

As a bonus, being part of the team afforded me the opportunity to visit Scandinavia and the UK last year. But maybe, therein lies the magic. The ‘going away’, the spending time together, the common experience around the common goal that allows a team or tribe to gel, and then move forward.

Aside from being on the IEC project – another collaboration came from being awarded a TAU fellowship last year. TAU being Teaching Advancement at Universities

TAU

I got the news that I was selected as a TAU fellow early last year – although we only had online sessions from then till July, when we had our first contact session in Gqeberha and more recently our second contact session in Mulderdrift. It’s been a really good (rewarding) experience. Similar to the IEC, it’s a group of like-minded individuals who want to make a difference in Higher Education in South Africa. Within the larger group I also found my people – the academic staff developers. Known by my cohort, as Enquiry Group Seven (EG7). Great people. Watch this space, as hopefully soon I will be sharing some collaborative artifacts which is the outcome of TAU for us, once the fellowship ends.

And this leads me to my plans for this year. I’m studying further again. A PGDip HE in academic development at Rhodes University. I’m honestly not sure how the stars aligned for this – I surely don’t think I can take credit, but on top of being accepted for the programme, I got a bursary that will cover all the costs of this qualification – as long as I make adequate progress. Beyond grateful. Humbled. In awe and wonder. Our first block session will be next week, when I go to Makhanda. I have a feeling – just a hunch- that I’ll be meeting more people, another tribe that I belong to.

Ultimately, at the moment I feel like I’m in flow. I’ve heard a saying recently, where attention goes, energy flows. I’ve been paying attention to the things at work that give me the most joy and pleasure – and it’s like the path just unfolded in front of me.

And as I’m writing this a penny drops. The reason that I feel like I belong, because every member of all of these ‘tribes’ volunteered to be there – volunteered to do the work. We’re not doing it for payment. We do the work for the love of education, perhaps some for career progression. For now, our personal interests align. A common goal and value system unites us.

I know I’m life things are always cyclical – so at a point when I need to grow tremendously again, I might have to go through tremendous tension again. That being said, I recognize that my tribes won’t last forever- but for now I shall not fret over that. I pray that I will always remember to stay present. Stay conscious and awake. I will try to recognize whatever is not in my control and let go of that. I feel that, right now I waxing….. like a moon growing fuller every day, I’m in the part of the cycle where I’m excited, bit scared, but mostly excited – time to shine ✨

So the year started off with a bang… I guess. Tony’s kids were to spend the summer holidays with us, however on the 31st December, Tony’s ex-wife said he should keep the kids.

And just like that, whether I am open to it or not, my life – as I know it – is changed. 47 year old me knows that resistance = suffering, so resisting is not wise or even logical. 47 year old me also knows that taking on three young kids (5yrs, 12yrs and 15yrs) is a hell of an adjustment.

I couldn’t even imagine how it must feel for them. Their world was just flipped upside down. They left home thinking they’re visiting their dad for a holiday – only to be told two weeks later, they’re not going home again. I know Tony had mixed feelings – happy and anxious about the change. Then there’s me and my kids that this also impacts.

My instinctual reaction is hell no, I didn’t sign up for this. When Josh was 6 and Micaiah 4, their dad and I separated. Now at the ages of 22 and 20, they are blossoming and I could not be more proud and grateful. But it was not easy. While the reward was worth the effort, there are sacrifices that come with raising kids. And the sacrifices are huge. I’m going to say something possibly controversial now, but it’s kinda like chemotherapy – the results or the outcome is amazing – absolutely so very worth it. But the price…. It comes at a price.

Raising them, I got a lot of help from my parents who helped babysit when I went back to varsity to study part time. The Parentals also looked after them when I worked late. I wanted to change the kids’ school because I couldn’t keep up with school fees but they stepped in and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Their words were “we doing this for our grandkids – not for you”. They helped me transport the kids when I wasn’t available due to having to work. But mostly, I shouldered the lion’s share of responsibility. Without trying to throw shade at Gerald, I know that I shouldered more than their dad. I believe that Gerald would also openly agree with me – the proverbial Buck stopped with me.

And we did it. We did ok. Heck, more than ok. We did great and I did it with them. Clothing and feeding them. Transporting them. Extra lessons and extra murals. Homework, school projects and paying for tutors. Medical stuff related to kids. Birthday parties, play dates and socials. School socials and fundraisers. Teaching them both how to drive…. Yes that was me.

The emotions that come with being teenagers and figuring out with them how to regulate while regulating my own emotions. Changing jobs, being unemployed, and working three jobs to cover the bills. Part time studies. Broken car and borrowing a car to get them places. Tucking them in at night. Waking up early to beat the morning traffic. Movie dates and minion weekends. Spiders, magic and tantrums. Helping them choose subjects, then change subjects. Looking for schools to do an extra subject. Paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork. Covering books…good heavens. That was the worst every year. And their dad simply said that he can’t do it because he is not good at it. Impromptu road trips. Excursion over school holidays. River rafting. One ply toilet paper. School concerts and award ceremonies. Single parent at school meetings. Did I say doing homework? Helping them prepare for exams. Waking up earlier during exam time to make a cooked breakfast so that they ready for exams. Helping them navigate teenage drama with friends. Getting my PhD. Lockdown. Self-harming and coming out. Matric exams and Matric ball. University fees. Matric ball and Matric exams again! Medical co-payments. More university fees. Watching horror movies for fun. Baking cupcakes. First girlfriends. First and second breakups. All my breakups. Cancer treatment. Inside jokes. Choosing them and making choices about my life based on what was good for them over and over and over again. They were the priority. I had to work for them first. What I wanted was secondary to what they needed. Period.

And now finally, they almost don’t need me anymore! Freedom yay….. freedom….not? Don’t I deserve it yet?

It’s comforting that Tony understands. He gets it. When he moved in, he experienced my devotion to my babies first-hand. By the time he moved in, Josh and Micaiah were older but not totally independent. And although Tony stayed with us, there was nothing related to them, that was expected of him, for example, they still couldn’t drive and in between myself, their dad, Uber or my mom we made a plan.

So now getting back to the present, here we are, with this that the universe has presented to us. We’ve had talks between me and my kids and Tony and his kids and Tony and I. And a few “family meetings” – with Tony and I and my kids and his kids, and as a result of our CODESAs, we’re going to give this staying together as one big family a bash. There are mixed feelings – some anxiety but I think mostly we’re feeling dare I say positive? all thinking maybe this might actually work out ok. Even the cats are all more relaxed around the younger kids now. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get this right. It’s certainly starting to feel more normal, albeit very different. Change is scary, but change is necessary for growth. #BlendedFamily