So I don’t know why but thinking back on my life it feels to me like I’ve always been running.
Maybe it’s because it’s something I’m good at… Running that is. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a silly girl with a few idiotic tendencies. A more apt description is ‘rushing’ actually, not running. I’ve always had a goal. Straight out of high school I started studying, then got a job, then bought a car, then bought an apartment, then got engaged and married at the tender age of 23! Please feel free to slap me when you see me again…. Who does that (except me)? And I wasn’t pregnant or in need to get married for any other practical reason.
Less than two years later my son was born. Another two years and one day later my daughter was born. My minions truly are the one and only priceless prize I have for the Speedy Gonzalez trajectory my life took. Anyway, after that I spent five years playing housie-housie. Ex-husband had a thriving business and I was set on being the most supportive wife in the world, hosting perfect dinner parties, kiddies birthday parties, baby showers for the rest of the crew in suburbia… you name it. Sunday school teacher, kids at a private school – with a crap Ms Thing attitude to match – that whole trip. The person I am now wouldn’t want to spend five minutes in the company of who I was, never mind be her friend! Anyway, it’s a good thing. I’m not a pretentious little prick anymore.
Nowadays I think there might be some people who consider me arrogant if they don’t really know me, but it’s only because they don’t know the rest of my story and what it took post divorce to move from there to here. I won’t go into that detail here now. The point of this blog came from a thought I had about slowing down. I don’t know why I was so rushed from early on in life, and maybe there is a case to be made for having to rush post divorce because I had to build my own life from scratch again to make sure my children are secure. It dawned on me recently, the time has now come to slow the heck down and enjoy the trip.
I started recognizing my own rushed behaviour. Things happen, either I meet someone or a new project or job comes up and in the past I’ve always thrown myself and my energy in totally. Despite sometimes not even being sure. But why? Why on earth Bronwyn? And then, because failure is not an option I hold onto that dumb idea forever. And even sadder… The saddest is I forget to live in the present moment!
I’ve started to see life differently now. Same life, same crap but just dealing with the crap with my full attention here and now – instead of keeping a mindful eye on tomorrow, next month or five years from now. Or sometimes just opting not to own any crap that is not actually mine. See, if you are not rushed then you can actually tell the difference – something I could not do that in the past. It is such a relief. And such a pleasure actually. The term I think of that probably describes living in the present moment the best is ‘a joy’.
Dinner time in our house has become more of a bonding affair. Not just 20 minutes on the evening schedule in-between homework time and shower time any longer. I started actively listening. And guess what… The minions then started too! Because we all enjoyed dinner time so much more, I then started looking at the menu and what we were eating. Together, we decided on healthier (and tastier) meals including more vegetables. It seems to be having a knock-on effect. This is just one example.
I have applied the same principle to my work. I admit I get less work done… BUT I am ten times happier than before and not even a quarter slower. I make time for myself – downloaded a meditation app called Headspace. Another thing I highly recommend. Only three minutes meditation per day, and by quieting the noise in my head for those three minutes, enables me hear what I must hear more clearly. The app is perfect for a beginner like me, who never meditated before.
So the Queen of Mistakes gets it right sometimes. I’ve been dubbed the Queen of Mistakes by my minions in one of our recent dinners. More relaxed now, this Queen of Mistakes doesn’t mind taking ownership of that title whatsoever…. As long as you know I’m still the Queen.