Guilty, ashamed, embarrassed because I don’t have a boyfriend. Common sense in 2018 says that is absolutely ridiculous – but my reality is my reality.

To even type that makes me cringe, but also causes a lump to form in my throat and water to well up in my eyes. To face my truth is the path to growth and more than wanting a boyfriend, I want to, need to grow.

See life is good for me. Really good in fact. I have two healthy, loving and quirky kids. My minions are a constant stable source of joy and inspiration.

I have a promising career that is on an upward trajectory.

I have a great family. Supportive and loving.

I have a super set of friends. Funky, cool, supportive and genuine. And even besides my friends just in general, I am well liked and very popular with many people for just being authentically me.

There are probably some people who don’t like me, but I’m really not bothered by them. I am not destructive… those that don’t like me most likely don’t like me because they are insecure. And that doesn’t even matter to me. I really don’t need everyone to like me to be happy.

So I am happy most of the time because I am purposeful and loving.

So then Bronwyn why are you unhappy other times….. the single biggest reason is because I am single. Truth. Ugly embarrassing truth especially given all the beautiful things that I’ve just said about myself above.

And my nature, my core, my heart tells me …. you know what Bronwyn, unhappiness sucks. I don’t want to be unhappy. What can we do to stop being unhappy those times that we are, she asks herself.

After much meditation 🧘🏾‍♀️ I started believing unhappiness doesn’t go away by trying to replace it with a source of happiness.

I need to start a movement in my heart and mind by letting go of my unhappiness first. Softening to the emotions causing unhappiness. (Emotions = the overwhelming feeling of sadness materializes occasionally when I’m alone, that is also the symptom of my unhappiness) Once I’ve softened and stopped resisting them, I can then see the root cause. (First I thought the root cause was just loneliness, but with deeper guided meditation I considered all other possibilities, and the truth is I am ashamed of my single status).

This is interesting and slightly weird because a while ago I realized and fully accepted that I am not single because I’m flawed or broken. There is nothing “wrong” with me. I just am because I am. I also actively work towards loving and looking after myself – fulfilling my own needs. Treating myself with tenderness. And I also realized that single people are discriminated against. So I thought that I was in fact being wary and mindful of not accepting labels.

But an incident that happened this week permitted me to realize that despite my common sense, despite my personal growth and knowing what is logical and what is right, I still carry residual shame and embarrassment for being single.

A colleague labeled me as ‘single’ this week. Instinctively I wanted to tell the woman to fuck off. It was a big deal for me. Hhhhhhmmmm trigger much ….yeah it was. Instead of getting cross I should have actually just politely asked her “Why is it so important to you to refer to me as ‘single’ so completely out of context?”. But I didn’t, I just quietly got pissed off and in my own mind I labeled her as stupid. Tit for tatt…. gosh am I really 40 years old already?

I did that because I’m sensitive. But the truth is I am not going to change the way that the world thinks. I am not going to change the way that society was conditioned… the very way that I’ve been conditioned. In October last year I realized the reason for me having one rebound relationship after the next in last year and the year before was because of a misaligned value due to this very conditioning. Even though I worked towards changing the actual value I never realized that I have to work towards not feeling ashamed too! That just wasn’t common sense to me. I fixed one impact of that conditioning. It never occurred to me that there were other impacts too. And I just discovered another one.

So now, after all this analysis it’s time to let go. I’ve admitted my feelings and I’ve not judged myself. Comforted myself, now I must let go of what no longer serves me. And I want to accept what is because damnit I don’t have energy for any more unhappiness. I feel like smiling. My heart wants to beat strong.

So this is what I’ll do. And then, flowing along with the current of this river of life who knows what next uh, who knows 😁

Life is quiet at the moment but life is busy.

Its 3:03am on a Friday morning. I started to feel fluish (muscles aching) yesterday and so I started taking meds. I don’t know if this is the reason why I find myself wide awake now in the middle of the night. Not sure if my insomnia is related to me feeling sick, me taking meds or related to my hectic work schedule and to-do list or not.

I am currently enjoying my work tremendously despite it being challenging, because I’m slowly getting jobs done. There are practical jobs that I am completing and there are thought processes (ideas that I’ve been mulling over for other practical jobs that I must do) that are evolving. Overall I’m happy, no … I’m delighted that I am moving in a positive trajectory. I’m living purposefully and deliberately.

On an emotional level I have invested a lot of time and energy learning to, and dealing with my emotions in order to overcome any emotional blockages that could hinder me from living purposefully. I think I’ve gotten really good at dealing with emotions. I love the phrase Susan David uses #EmotionalAgility. I love the phrase Mark Manson uses even more! #EmotinalNinja

An interesting observation that I now have is feelings of fear and loneliness don’t hurt anymore like they used to. I have trained myself to see that fear is always the symptom of a deeper message from self to self. And Loneliness is just a thought. It’s not as easy as I’m making it sound. It takes a great deal of courage to firstly recognize fear for exactly what it is and then respond to it by calmly unpacking the reasons for it being there. In terms of loneliness, there was a great deal of pain surrounding me acclimatizing myself to the reality of not having a specific someone to share deep thoughts with and not feeling gutted about it, and also not feeling sorry for myself either.

I believe this was a not so obvious test of my faith… and also my ability to be happy with just living purposefully.

I don’t know what exactly the future has in store but I have a strong feeling about what it is that I must do. I also know that this is my one life. I know that every moment that I have now is a gift. And I know that I am grateful that I am not overwhelmed with negative emotions, because in the past six months I have trained myself to see every feeling that I have as a message (data) from my instrinsic self to make a decision. I am grateful that every little decision I take aligns me with my ultimate decision – which was to live purposefully.

The best way I can describe it is what I am feeling feels like an out of body experience to me now. I am not feeling as affected as I would have expected myself to be affected by the quiet moments in between the spurts of busyness. I wish for more, but I have peace with what is right now. I know that right for now, I’m doing the best that I can.

So the gears of 2018 have started turning…

The past few days I started revving, rocking and getting back into action. Thinking about what lies ahead this year reminded me of a thought I had a few months ago – embracing uncertainty. Embracing uncertainty in 2018 means allowing myself to feel intrigued by, even curious about the unknown. Yet every time I think of the ‘unknown’ tis human nature to instinctively feel fear…no?

Moments of fear and sadness cannot be cured or defeated. They can only be transformed by learning to love and support yourself when they arrive” – Sarah Blondin (Live Awake 2017)

Fear has a purpose. What is it that my fear is trying to tell me? It has a message for me. Every time that I stopped trying to run away from it, or stop pushing it away from me and actually let it in to determine it’s message for me, then fear releases its tight grip on me, and my life becomes more pleasurable indeed.

In 2018 I will embody my fear, free my spirit, look up, step forward, move ahead …believe, breathe, believe, dance, cry, laugh and love….. C’est la vie. Let’s just frikkin do this.

Kachow!!!

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Uncomfortable spaces force us to evaluate our lives. Tough as it seems while you in it, the process of self evaluation presents a tremendous opportunity for growth and change. This is what I’ve been doing the past few months. The conclusion: Perfectly imperfect – this is me, I’m laying it bare.

I don’t feel like writing a long boring blog post. No one cares much anyway, my ramblings are more for me than anyone else. So I’ll try to summarize the thoughts (brain farts) that I believe are most salient.

I am conceited. A guy I recently dated made this comment about me. I was seriously tempted to dismiss it because I know that isn’t true from my perspective. Yet, I still wondered if there is any merit in what he said. People close to me have described me as humble, so how can I be conceited and humble at the same time? Afterwards, I realised he really actually meant egotistical, not conceited – his choice of word was just wrong or perchance his vocabulary is limited (#SeeThereTheEgo #HeWasRight). I exude confidence in certain settings – so maybe he confused my stubborn passionate confidence with that? Thinking about my confidence, it dawned upon me that it can come across as egotistical if someone does not know me well. And true story, knowing me well isn’t something 99% of the human population cares for…

If you know my history, my ‘I’m Wonder Woman’ attitude makes sense, but the truth is, my life experiences is really no one else’s problem or business but mine. On that premise, I have no right thinking I’m better that everyone else because of what I have endured or gone through. I probably could try to defend or justify my attitude, but you know what – enough already now. It’s something I’d rather change, certainly not for the sake of what my guy friend thought, but rather because this is my journey. And when I reach my destination at the end of my journey, I want to be the best possible version of myself. Because I can. Because I want to.

In a strange way I’m really actually grateful to that guy I dated (who is now my friend). Our interaction forced me into a corner where I had to reflect. Everything happens for a reason.

In recent months I have felt pain and discomfort, trying to understand myself, what I have done, what I thought I should be doing and what I want. The pain was good because it indicated the areas of my life where change was required. I have learnt to embrace pain and the emotions that come with it. The pain is valuable and the emotions are transient if you work with it – not against it. If you allow yourself to feel and accept it, acknowledge the reason for it being there and then act accordingly to address the source of the pain. My latest realization is, after this is done, any pain I hold onto is not worth any more time in my one single precious life. Each person’s one life and their journey is so valuable. So incredibly valuable. I took the decision that pain will steal no more of my life than necessary.

Once you followed the pain and discomfort to the end of its usefulness, it actually feels ok to let it go. Letting go is not easy though. And what I found, which sounds counterintuitive but works to get rid of the last remnants of pain is, instead of focusing on letting go, you focus on letting in. Then, what you let in forces what you want out, out. I’ve focused on letting love and the things that make me happy into my life. It may be different for other people, but for me that works. Pain, guilt, shame, embarrassment Out. Love and happiness, even joy In. Love lives here.

Finally I’m listening to the little voice in my head that says Bronwyn you are the only one accountable for your life. And responsible for your life. The world owes me nothing…. and it is in fact I who owe myself certain things. I owe myself love, respect, care and forgiveness. I owe myself the effort it takes to get up, to show up, to go on and experience life to it’s fullest. Only I owe myself happiness.

So now I am unapologetically me. Be what I want, what I’m good at and what I think makes a difference and serves a purpose to the people around me. The beautiful lively contradiction, the chaotic mess of organized disarray that is Bronwyn.